My degree work

[comicbookguy37]

I had to write a short story/start of a longer piece for my degree work, and I thought I'd post it here and see if I could get any feedback. It's a work-in-progress; a kind of Twin Peaks-esque mystery in a small town where strange things seem to occur, and yet, throughout my piece, it is more realistic and gritty.

Thanks to anyone who wants to have a look and tell me what they think.

http://www.writing.com/main/view_item/item_id/1670520-Rosewood

[SuaveStar]

This is what I would do:

Cut down the description of the girl and her father, don't say she was a young woman and a teenager in the same sentence, just choose one.

You say his real name, but you never said if he goes by aliases, and in the story, he doesn't deny what he is, so why imply the aliases?

Why would the guy agree she'd be kidnapped, I would say, the parents believed he was kidnapped. Don't say he was sent to the town, in fact, don't mention the father or the girl at all at the start, just open with him going to the dinner, and let the story itself unfold the story, you have a great bit with pulling the picture out, that should be where we figure out who he's looking for, and when at the house, then we find out a little more info about the girl.

Nobody waits to try tea before saying thanks, it's usually an automatic response, you don't try it and turn and say "Thanks for not spitting in my tea" you automatically say it, and then drink. The dialogue with the waitress should be minimal. Pull out the photo then talk about the girl, describing what she looks like and say your looking for this girl, trick the audience into thinking it's his wife or something make it more fun for the reader.

The bit with the sheriff, take out he soon discovered, show the detective skills of Denny, does the sherriff wear a hat, how does he carry himself, does he carry a gun, does he have a badge that says Sheriff? All things you could put in in the place and describe him to the reader without forcing the advancement of the story.

Denny should make a joke about private eyes to gain the Sheriffs trust when he says P.I's suck/ Also, the sheriff shouldn't lead the conversation, and you shouldn't give too much away. You repeat yourself about the disappearance, don't give away why he's really there yet, say he's looking for a young woman, who hasn't been heard from since New Year. $25,000 is a lot of money, someone withdrew money a few days ago, and we think it's her. Don' say $25K, that pulled me out, and made me ask "Wouldn't a bank ask questions about a teen taking that much money out?" Wouldn't someone notice something.

Don't make the conversation with the sheriff past tense, you start the story, then go overly narrative with it. Have more dialogue between King and Denny, it'll make the scene flow better, keep your narration to a minimum.

Police do the three knocks, if he wanted to speak to the woman, he wouldn't knock like that, he would try and be more friendly. Don't be too eager with your main character, if he's been doing this for a while, he'd be calmer and choose his words wisely. Take out the right residence part.

Drop explaining the scenario till your inside the house, and when you get the biscuit, then do the whole "Her name is blah blah...." and tel the reader, who is now at a point where they are intrigued in the story in theory, what is happening and why he is there.

Denny as a detective should be looking around looking for any clues as to just who this woman is.

Instead of the whole by blood thing, just have the old woman say "Yes" by blood is not a normal thing to say.

Your end twist feels a little forced, you should try to move towards it more smoothly, like having the old woman carry the tray in and her arms shaking, as if her strength is going.

So, you have something good, you just need to make it more dialogue heavy in the opening and maybe tweak a few things.

Well, this is what I would do, take it or leave it.

[comicbookguy37]

Thanks. That's really helpful It's still only a first draft, so I'll take on board what you've said and see if I can't iron out some of the kinks.