Episode 40: Transformers - Age of Extinction

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In an episode that was apparently destined to happen, your revived hosts tackle their fourth Transformers movie: Age of Extinction. Any hopes that it would be better (or even shorter) than the previous were soon dashed, as yet another episode record has been broken. Join The Real Protagonists as they discuss more vapid characters, bad humor, and downright infuriating moments. [ 3:51:49 || 121.5 MB ]

To listen, click here: http://www.earth-2.net/podcasts/tranquiltirades/episodes/tranquiltirades_040.mp3

[dc20willsave]

Since James had not seen it...

[Rjoyadet]

Yeah, I used to be confused on why you guys thought the ultimate warrior was good.

I am glad to hear that James watches Once:upon a time.

[Stavros]

Going through this now, hilarious as usual. Best line so far "you could feed your slutty daughter!".

However, if I could offer one correction, the playing cards thing is totally plausible. During the invasion of Iraq to help in IDing priority targets the US military distributed playing cards with the faces of high ranking military and Baath party members-

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Most-wanted_Iraqi_playing_cards#Spades

They became so ubiquitous that the media referred to people by their card when they were captured or killed. If they were theoretically hunting all transformers I could easily see the US military working up ID cards. The main question is how 52 cards of swirling unidentifiable metal is going to help with any correct ID.

Bizarrely they never released the cards in shops.

[D.W.]

I'd still have questions about how a rogue CIA leader would go about getting supposed allies manufactured on them though, especially if he was so good at hiding that other branches of government had no idea who he was hunting.

[Stavros]

That is a good point. To be honest I couldn't remember that the humans were distinguishing between autobot and decepticon in this film but then my own review was a little,,,scattered.

Transformers foaaaaargh-

This is going to be stream of conciousness, although I'm really not sure conciousness is the right term for this

-What killed the dinosaurs? Terrible sequels!

-Frozen dinosaur. Kay.

-Oh look, it's the guy from Cloverfield! Should be useful when the giant aliens attack.

-So gay cowboy and not Wilford Brimley are there to be the voices of fans of actual films then.

-The suspect pimping out of a teenage girl is fucking CREEPY as HELL.

-What a location for Bay. A farmhouse with corn field AND a barn full of crappy robots? 'MURICA

-Marky Mark's character is called Cade Yeager? I didn't realise he'd started in NXT.

-To be fair, Kelsey Grammer is great in everything. Might the series have found a genuinely effective human villain?

-So Cade Yeager is like if Doc Brown knocked up his prom date then. Love the pic of him supposedly as a teen, they didn't even photo reference a young him, he looks exactly the same.

-Aw, I wanted the riverboat to be a transformer. It's just ratchet, who is slaughtered brutally for fun. Love how the military leads with the squishy easily killed humans in this hunt. Can you say cannon fodder? The evilbot is fairly evil looking though, more distinctive than usual.

-Hey, it's that guy from @midnight.

-Sunset, flag, white painted porch, problems. 'MURICA!

-Whoa, do not wake a sleeping Optimus. "He's not going to hurt us" (four seconds earlier) "I'LL KILL YOU!"

-Chase scene. Not incompetent, Bay can still do some stuff.

-I take that back, COME ON! Most impractical stunt evah.

-LOL at the running from explosions. At least they killed Cloverfield, who has turned into a terminator statue in death apparently.

-Is the boyfriend aussie or irish?

-Kelsey left the set! I mean, he didn't change out of what he wore to set but at least he's seeing sunshine.

-Ok, he's Irish. Oh, and he's totally a legit racer. All the top leagues have 4th storey ramp jumps man.

-OH MY GOD, THEY WORKED OUT A LAW TO PROVE IRISH GUY ISN'T A PEDO. Why do I feel like Michael Bay knows the state laws on legal ages by heart?

-They find the ethnicbots. Apparently Cybertron has an australia and a Very Stereotypical Japan. Seriously, what the hell is samuraibot doing there? I don't cite Bludgeon, that was a G1 pretender shell, they were all crazy. And John Goodman in Big Lewbowskibot! (I had no idea it was actually John Goodman when I wrote this) And Bumblebee, now in black! Which is the Malibu Stacy, now with hat of these robots.

-Optimus' new robot form looks like he's wearing a bikini.

-Lucky that only the new toys survived. Otherwise they'd be stuck selling the ones from the last movie.

-Tucci is playing what, Steve Jobs?

-Hey it's Not Mitchell or Webb!

-Transformium? Are you fucking with me? And that CGi is awful. Nice plug for Dre's Beats.

-Oh good, they're torturing that little Jar Jar bot to death.

-He's Aussie again.

-I'm scared. There's been as much as a 15 minute portion of this film that hasn't sucked balls.

-OK, one Optimus tantrum late and I'm hating it again. Although I don't mind the corporate apple tech-stealing stuff, it's not the worst script.

-Ha! They're back in Chicago. I guess that tax break is working out.

-Ok, so now they're the Knights Terminus. Continuity really is a VERY dirty word in this world.

-So there's a version of the G1 cartoon Quintessons now. Please don't let there be a McGuffin. Oh shit, someone just got given a space seed, too late.

-"There's booby traps everywhere on this ship. You humans go that way, we transformers will go this way". Expendable much?

-Serious scale issues with those dogs.

-Why are the transformers stocked up with hand to hand weapons like the freakin' Predator? And why is any of it human-sized?

-So, an autobot just killed an innocent alien because it was ugly. Kelsey Grammer is right, what the fuck is the difference between to two sides?

-Incomplete effects shot. Like, one second a beastie was there, the next it wasn't.

-Human pancake. These people are like Shia Lebouf and a black box had babies.

-Video game moment. The effects in this really do suck, they totally skimped.

-DRINK BUD LIGHT. I'M MARKY MARK AND I AM DRINKING THIS BUD LIGHT. He was whored out less in Boogie Nights.

-Some day someone needs to sit down Michael Bay and explain what a chromosome is. And why his should never continue.

-CHINA. YOU ALL LOVE CHINA. THE MOVIE WILL DO WELL IN CHINA

-THE GREAT WALL. OF CHINA BY THE WAY. NO ONE ELSE HAS ONE. LOVE CHINA!

-Stanley Tucci stops to have a breakdown on set and they film it.

-Jesus, that eye gouge!

-This movie is easily the cheapest looking Transformers movie. People running from nothing etc. But it may actually help since Bay's too lazy to try and fuck you up on what's happening.

-So Optimus' legendary leadership skills to get the dinobots on his side is basically just threatening to kill him.

-Giant comedy grenade. So frickin' lazy.

-Victoria's Secret slips Bay a fiver for their name on a bus.

-It's falling apart at this point. What's meant to be going on?

-I suspect this whole bit is full of cameos but I don't know any Chinese celebrities.

-Flattering 5 minute portrayal of the Chinese Central Government. Totally unsolicited.

-Feels like Kelsey Grammer's character has been watching a different movie. Also feels like they forgot he was still in it.

-Optimus claims yet another gruesome victim. "Honour to the end". What has that got to do with anything?

-Hah, the Chinese government is the reasonable one and the US government is corrupt and messed up. Love it.

-They actually set up the next movie! Holy shitballs!

-Optimus is just spouting platitudes nonstop. He's turned into Superman now.



Well, that was fucking awful, but in many ways because Bay didn't give a shit it was better than the other ones. I could tell the robots apart for one, and so much of the comedy was just abandoned to all our benefit. But yeah, no-one needs to see this. I'd go one and a half stars.

[S-T]

I actually disagree with our esteemed hosts that the "best" flavor of Oreo is Oreo.

I don't think there is a best. Mint, Chocolate, Golden and Peanut Butter are all great. And double stuff is far better than the regular filling.

Basically, they're all equally good.

[James D.]

Watermelon Oreos are disgusting.

[Rjoyadet]

Going through this now, hilarious as usual. Best line so far "you could feed your slutty daughter!".

However, if I could offer one correction, the playing cards thing is totally plausible. During the invasion of Iraq to help in IDing priority targets the US military distributed playing cards with the faces of high ranking military and Baath party members-

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Most-wanted_Iraqi_playing_cards#Spades

They became so ubiquitous that the media referred to people by their card when they were captured or killed. If they were theoretically hunting all transformers I could easily see the US military working up ID cards. The main question is how 52 cards of swirling unidentifiable metal is going to help with any correct ID.

Bizarrely they never released the cards in shops.

Yeah, from what I gathered Harold Attinger is supposed to be a metaphor for George W. Bush and the war on terror.

[S-T]

Watermelon Oreos are disgusting.

I haven't tried the watermelon ones. Some flavors aren't meant to mix.

Like Vanilla Sprite. Yuck.

[dc20willsave]

How can you not love Vanilla Sprite? One of my favorites. It's not quite Pineapple Fanta but it's still pretty good.

[D.W.]

Yeah, Vanilla Sprite was the first thing I tried when I found a Coke Freestyle machine.

[James D.]

Vanilla Barq's was the first thing I tried on the Freestyle machine.

[S-T]

How can you not love Vanilla Sprite? One of my favorites. It's not quite Pineapple Fanta but it's still pretty good.

The sweetness and tartness are not a good combination. But everyone has different tastes.

I love all the flavors of Coke - Raspberry, Orange and Lime especially.

I didn't know there was a pineapple Fanta. I had only seen pineapple in various store-brand sodas, and I really liked it. Honestly, for pure variety the store brands are usually the way to go.

But back to topic, Transformers 4 was horrible. I actually rented the thing to more fully enjoy the podcast.

I do think it was the least horrible of the series. If I was forced to pick one, I would say this was "the good one."

But "least horrible of the series" is a better description. Just awful.

Not having Sam Witwicky and his parents was one annoyance gone. The stupid comedy seemed to be toned down.

[dc20willsave]

Let me tell you about Pineapple Fanta. It is a nectar, delivered from up on high. Sure, you can get the store brand but it's not quite the same. In fact, Pineapple Fanta is that weird oddity in how it's distribution seems to be almost entirely local. One of the joys to my yearly Florida trip is trying to find it at any convenience store where we stop for gas... and then buying like four 20-ozs. Then, when in Chicago for C2E2, buying a couple of 12 packs at Jewel-Osco.

[Rjoyadet]

About the GWAR comment, I did not know who the band was or why people die in their concerts. All I know is that I was shocked when their website had a dedication in someones memeory. I guess Shoji Tabuchi will have to give up his title,

.... one youtube search later.....

so I guess that makes GWAR the new emperor of Branson, Missouri.