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JackFetch

8 Superheroes who are actually douchebags

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I thought this was pretty funny. Unfortunately the site is down from being Dugg.

8 Superheroes Who Are Acutally Douchebags

by King Oblivion, Ph.D.

Don't believe the hype.

Yes, yes, we know. You've been told your whole lives that superheroes are infallible demigods who can do no wrong. But we know better. In fact, we can provide to you incontrovertible evidence that many (at least eight) superheroes are, in fact, total douchebags.

(Also, you may have heard in some circles that all supervillains are dicks or assholes or some similar epithet. Actually, we tend to be excellent conversationalists and superb lovers when you get to know us.)

Reed Richards

Known for: Being the leader of the Fantastic Four; purportedly being the smartest man in the world; having a best friend made of rocks

A douchebag because of: Rampant, often hilarious sexism

The defense: Okay, so he's saved the world from a big purple guy who's tried to eat it a couple times. Also, very stylish gray on the temples there.

The case against: If the image over on the right is too small to read, let me quote what's being said there for you:

REED: I mean you're right! I've been a blind, inconsiderate fool -- but I'm going to make up for it! I want to buy you a whole new wardrobe -- and then you and I will do the town like it's never been done before!

SUE: Darling -- I don't know what to say--!

REED: Fine! Wives should be kissed -- and not heard!

For serious. I don't care if it was written in the '60s, that kind of talk would get a dude knocked out in any decade.

Namor

Known for: Being half-human and half-Atlantean, never wearing a shirt, invading the surface world like every other week

A douchebag because of: The aforementioned shirtlessness and belligerence, as well as trying to bang Sue Richards, a married mother of two

The defense: As the prince of one's own undersea world, a guy would probably have to take action every now and again, just to remind people that he's there. Also, Namor never really claimed to be a hero, per se, even though fighting alongside Captain America during World War II kind of qualifies you no matter what. And, come on, Sue Richards be fly.

The case against: The most concise and best argument I can make is just to ask you to take a look at that picture over there. I'm not sure there's anything more to say.

Guy Gardner

Known for: His third-string Green Lanterndom, pretty much being a douche

A douchebag because of: Intense, refined, seemingly practiced whininess, mixed in with occasional power trips, also, his haircut

The defense: Before becoming a superhero, Gardner was a social welfare caseworker in prisons and taught children with disabilities. He's also participated in some boring space wars.

The case against: Well, he was such a whiny bastard that one time, when he was screaming that he should be the leader of the Justice League, Batman laid him out with one punch to the face.

Hank Pym/Yellowjacket

Known for: Having about 20 superhero identities, accidentally inventing Ultron, being the less well-known scientist named Hank in the Marvel universe

A douchebag because of: That one time he kind of hit his wife

The defense: Hank was kind of losing it during that period in which he took a swing at his wife, Janet Van Dyne, the Wasp. He had gone from a mild-mannered scientist to a psychopath for some reason that was probably explained somehow. Now he seems to be okay, even though he is a pill popper.

The case against: Hey, he still hit his wife. Also, he recently played a major role in the accidental-but-not-really death of Goliath, the largest forced metaphor for racism in comics history.

Ant-Man

Known for: His irredeemability, his love of the Nintendo Wii, tininess

A douchebag because of: It would be easier to list the reasons why he's not a douchebag

The defense: Well, he did help out when the Hulk was rampaging through New York City, so that's something.

The case against: There are lots of things I could mention here, like, for instance, the fact that he ratted out his friend the Gray Fox after he had spent hours breaking in to a prison to save him. Or that he lost it when he found out his girlfriend had a kid. But mainly, I'm going to go with the argument that he slept with his dead best friend's girlfriend on top of his grave. That's just ice cold.

Iron Man

Known for: Impeccably groomed facial hair, admittedly badass armor, being a drunk

A douchebag because of: His unfaltering richness and playboyism, the whole weapons dealer thing

The defense: Tony Stark has foiled the plans of an evil Chinese man literally hundreds of times. Likewise, he felt really bad when his armor came to life and started killing people, which is nice.

The case against: You know the rich playboy Bruce Wayne pretends to be when he's not Batman? Tony Stark pretty much just is that guy. And how did he make all that money? Oh, he just developed weapons for the Army to kill Vietnamese people with. On top of that, now he's the biggest proponent of a federal law that forces superheroes to register with the government and will bust the asses of anyone who doesn't comply, even if registering puts them at risk. He's like the trust fund kid who sics the police on the homeless people loitering in the park; it's just not fair.

Gambit

Known for: Throwing supercharged cards, being extremely stereotypically Cajun, wearing a totally unnecessary trench coat

A douchebag because of: His unprecedented ability to be obnoxious

The defense: He...um...I genuinely have nothing. Rogue seems to like him, and she's slightly less obnoxious, I guess.

The case against: "Well, mon chere, we gon' go down to dat bayou and you and I will discuss the finuh mattuhs..." etc, etc. If that in itself doesn't give you a throbbing headache, then you, sir, are either dead or have some kind of mental condition. The only way Gambit could be more of a douchebag is if he started wearing pink polo shirts or croakies over his already pink-and-purple what-the-hell-is-that-made-of-anyway costume, which is for some reason always covered by a trench coat. Shit, now that I've suggested that, it'll probably happen.

Superman

Known for: His Boy Scout-like personality, excessively sweet powers, kind of starting this whole superhero thing

A douchebag because of: Any number of hilarious moments of dickery

The defense: Superman has saved countless busloads and trainloads of children from going over cliffs or falling into lakes. Likewise, he has repaired the globe on top of the Daily Planet building dozens of times without ever billing them. Also, he is surprisingly tolerant of his extremely crappy rogues gallery, which includes Toyman, Mr. Mxyzptlk and Parasite.

The case against: The Superdickery.com website has spent years documenting the various dick moments in which Superman has been a participant. It is an eye-opening website that everyone should see, just as proof that even the most seemingly spotless of us has likely, at one time or another, made their best friend and a colleague battle each other in the desert for a pitcher of water.

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