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Fat DJ

Battle of Eternal Supreme Champions of the Galaxy

Who wins?  

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OK, the stipulations for this. Darth Vader, exhausted from running the galactic empire all day (this is pre-Luke Skywalker) is winding down from a hard day by taking a nice hot bath. He has recently entered the Battle of Eternal Supreme Champions of the Galaxy, yet he does not know when he will face his first opponent.

Big Van is able to get the drop on Darth Vader. He is armed with a toaster.

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That's easy then. Darth uses the Force to shoot the soap across the room and straight down Van's gullet. He stumbles around for a minute before falling dead face first into the toilet. Hardly amused but pleased to have his bath to himself once more, Darth sighs as the silky smooth bubbles wash over him.

As for the toaster, it turned out to be R2D2's nymphomaniac cousin and, thinking Darth to be another droid, raped him as he toweled off. Enraged at first, the Sith Lord slowly falls for the toaster and weds her in a secret ceremony on his home planet of Tatooine. Sadly, she was aboard the first Death Star when Luke and the Rebels destroyed it, making Anakin Skywalker a widower once more. Worse yet, little did Darth know that she was pregnant with quadruplets (she was a four-slot toaster).

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Vader attempts to drop the toaster in on the Dark Lord of the Sith. Unfortunately for the WCW champion, Vader hears the requisite hoss grunt. Lord Vader catches the toaster in midair, and chokes Big Van to death with the cord, while washing his mouth out with with soap.

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Also, it must be noted that it is Vader time for Big Van Vader.

I was about to vote for him, (Big Van) when I was told "This is not the Vader you are voting for." Next thing I remember, it said I had voted for Darth Vader.

And I wasn't wearing pants.

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Also, it must be noted that it is Vader time for Big Van Vader.

I was about to vote for him, (Big Van) when I was told "This is not the Vader you are voting for." Next thing I remember, it said I had voted for Darth Vader.

And I wasn't wearing pants.

See, I was about to vote for Darth when I was hit over the head with a toaster! When I came to, I had voted for Big Van...

And he was wearing your pants.

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and chokes Big Van to death with the cord

Why would he choke him with a cord when he's famous for choking people with the force? I mean it's just so much cooler to kill somebody without touching him.

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Darth kills Big Van Vader, then moves on to finish off Evil Hogan and the rest of his competition before the next rounds can even begin.

Darth Vader wins. :)

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Big Van distracts Darth by throwing his mask in the opposite direction, distracting Darth and allowing Big Van to get the toaster in the tub

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Big Van distracts Darth by throwing his mask in the opposite direction, distracting Darth and allowing Big Van to get the toaster in the tub

That won't kill Darth! Think about how much electricity it took for the Emperor to kill him. A toaster in the tub ain't shit to Lord Vader. Hell! That's a massage.

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Big Van distracts Darth by throwing his mask in the opposite direction, distracting Darth and allowing Big Van to get the toaster in the tub

That won't kill Darth! Think about how much electricity it took for the Emperor to kill him. A toaster in the tub ain't shit to Lord Vader. Hell! That's a massage.

Actually, I would argue that a precedent exists because of that. Darth Vader always kills his opponent if the opponent electrocutes him.

Now, Big Van could always just bust his egg-head open with it.

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Vader (Big Van) does a Moonsault into the tub and crushes Vader (Darth)....

Just make it a Triple Threat Match.

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