D.W.

The Dubs Thread of Random Goodness Thread

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Let's look at some great old school gaming commercials.

You thought that Zelda was an epic quest to save the princess. Negative. It's about destroying giant pig puppets with the sheer power of DANCE.

FUCK YEAH.

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I... um... well, you see... okay, Sega made some missteps. Hiring Kratos and Pauly Shore to promote the Saturn probably wasn't the best idea.

God. Imagine someone trying this today. Lawsuits up the ass.

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I don't know why they thought it'd be a good idea to promote Crash this way. You R Not E wasn't the greatest slogan either.

This commercial had me convinced that no less than Buddha himself was going to emerge from my Genesis when I bought the game.

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I remember every one of those. Wow, I feel old. Here was my favorite, and I'm man enough to admit I still to this day remember all of the lyrics by heart:

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To justify the Crash Bandicoot thing, I think, stress think, the idea behind the naughty thing, was because the game was developed by Naughty Dog.

That Street Fighter 2 ad was so awesome, and yeah, not something that can be done today.

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Very popular in the pirate community are "Famiclones", knock off NES consoles that often go to absurd lengths to look like something more. There are literally hundreds of variations all over the world. Here are a few.

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One of the most consistent designs is the Polystation. Notice the blatant Pokemon and DBZ characters. No clue what all those extra buttons are for.

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This is called the ENDING MAN. Great console name or greatest console name?

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The most well known Famiclone, since they're actually sold in the States. Also play SNES games. Still better as a conversation piece than a console.

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Game City. How did they get an entire city in that box?!

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The Super Smart Genius. Some Famiclones come with keyboards and very rudimentary edutainment software.

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The Hot Boy, which is the rare example of an improvement on the NES. It has AV output and two cartridge slots, for both Famicom and NES games.

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Today we're going to look at the various different ports of a classic arcade game: Double Dragon.

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First and most known is the NES version, with all the headbutting and junk kicking action you remember. Pretty much everything from the arcade game was changed for this port, with the added experience system and different level layouts. Of all the NES games that let you whip purple haired biker women... no wait, this was the only one. Notoriously lacks a 2 player mode.

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On the Master System, the characters are more colourful but a lot smaller. Hit detection is wonky as all hell but generally much truer to the arcade version. Jump kicking is pretty much the only thing that consistently hits guys.

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Then there's the Spectrum port. Extremely difficult to do anything in this one. There is no music. Every single enemy wants to kill your face. Before you ask, yes, all Spectrum games were this ugly.

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The Amstrad version... exists. Again, like the other computer versions, there is no music. The... game... is... slow... to the point of being pretty much unplayable.

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The Commodore 64 version is easily the worst. Yes, somehow worse than the Amstrad. You can have a grand total of THREE characters on the screen at one time. The levels are mostly empty. No music. No gameplay, if we're being honest. This game is so bad that the manual actually includes an apology from the developers.

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The Game Boy port is actually pretty good. You have all of the special moves from the start and it plays pretty well. Noticeably easier than the other versions.

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Double Dragon for the Atari 2600. Yes. This exists. It's hard as balls too. Getting past the first screen is an accomplishment.

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It also came out for the 7800. Like most games that came out for the system, this feels half assed. Kick and jump are the same button, which is just as confusing as it sounds. Not recommended.

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One hell of a technological leap brings us to the Mega Drive version. Sort of a combination of the NES and Master System versions. The music is typical Genesis fare, sounding like it came out of a tin can, sadly.

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Double Dragon Advance for the GBA. Nearly everything was overhauled and in terms of playability, this is probably the best port out there. Billy and Jimmy can actually run and are just more agile in general, but at the cost of the game being baby easy. Still, holds up a lot more than most.

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Lastly, there was the port for the 360 via XBLA. Somehow they made a port of the arcade game with online multiplayer into something terrible. Shitty HD filtering, horrendous slowdown; it was such a flop that it was delisted from the Marketplace. No one misses it.

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Bootleg Mega Drive games.

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Virtua Fighter vs Tekken or VRFighter vs Taken2, as the box calls it. The engine appears lifted from another bootleg game called Tekken 3 special. You can only punch, kick, or jump. There are no specials and you can just set up infinite life in the options screen.

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Super Mario Bros 2, which is actually just a port of the All Stars version of SMB1. For some reason the game had to be reprogrammed from the ground up, and as such, the game is unplayably fast. I believe it's because there's another game, Sonic Jam 6, which is the exact same thing except with Sonic in place of Mario.

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Top Fighter 2000 MK VIII, which is surprisingly well made, all things considered. As far as I know, it's the only non MUGEN fighting game that lets you pit Muhammad Ali vs Goku and Michael Jordan vs Cyclops.

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Madonna Songs for 50HZ. It does what it says on the tin. You really haven't lived until you've heard Material Girl performed by spastic robots having a fight with a recycle bin.

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Pocket Monsters 2. You play as Pikachu using pokeballs to capture and injure other Pokemon. There are a lot of unanswered questions here that Nietzsche would have a field day with.

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Some fairly recent games that will never see the light of day for various reasons.

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Highlander, which was due to come out for the 360 and PS3. It looked great in screenshots, but had been in development hell for about four years.

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Sadness, which was to be a Wii horror game, supposedly. I covered this in one of my first Brainscan segments back in the day when I was a Dread Media regular. Actual game footage never surfaced, despite being in development for several years, so there's definitely something up with this one.

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Come Midnight, which looked to be a really interesting noir/horror mix. In a moment that happens far too often, the developers didn't think it would sell, so they scrapped it to make an FPS.

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Marvel: Chaos was a fighting game from a few years ago when EA still had the Marvel rights. It looked like dogshit. Considering how well Rise of the Imperfects turned out, the gameplay was likely at a similar level.

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Elder Scrolls: Oblivion for the PSP. I can't even begin to tell you how excited I was for this. Just experiencing a world that massive in a handheld would have been incredible. It was silent dropped and never mentioned again.

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Concept art from Campfire, which never really got off the ground. It was billed as a "reverse survival horror", where you got to play as the slasher. Why the hell aren't there any games like that?

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Asylum, first person horror. Notice that a lot of cancelled titles seem to be horror games?

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The Brutal Ballad of Fangus Klot, which was to be the next Oddworld Quintology game before the whole concept went tits up. You played as some sort of demonic sheep herder. Seemed really cool.

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Short one today. I call this exhibit, "Insane Fighting Games That No One Has Ever Heard Of".

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Waku Waku 7. That's a punching bag fighting a giant bat orb thing. Yup.

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Dong Dong Never Die. I thought the prerendered fighter was dead, until I discovered this Chinese fan game. This is actually free to play online.

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Arm Joe, the Les Miserables fighting game. Yes. This exists.

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