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JackFetch

Transformers 4

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I've read at least a dozen critic reviews of this thing from newspapers from Toronto to L.A. and the highest star rating any of them gave it was a 1.5. This movie is rated lower than Revenge of the Fallen on Rotten Tomatoes. And it's 2 hours and 37 minutes long.

God damn it.......

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2 hrs and 45 actually. Still has a 7 on IMDB. I almost want to watch that rating as the first showings are over and it is bound to drop.

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It's playing at the local drive in. I'm almost tempted to see it just out of morbid curiosity and because it'll be four bucks when you figure I get to see two movies.

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Will, I just took a look. It's paired with Edge of Tomorrow. ...let's do this. If nothing else the second will wash out the taste of the first.

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So I just saw it. This is how it went down for me: (very mild spoilers apply)

2 Minutes in: Hey, this movie is set in Texas! I live in Texas! And it's sort-of-ish actually accurate! I approve!

20 minutes in: Okay, this movie is actually pretty decent. Slightly silly, but not OTT stupid like the last three. And the story is good so far.

40 minutes in: Okay, this is getting less good now. Can the new Autobots please stop talking? I mean, they're no Twins, but sheesh...

50 minutes in: Bah. They left Texas. Clearly this is a bad sign.

1hr: Yep. It was a bad sign. This movie keeps getting dumber.

1hr 20 minutes: Okay, this action scene is pretty cool.

1hr 30 minutes: This feels like it should be over soon. Like maybe one more big fight scene and then the credits roll. *checks watch* ...WHAT.

1:40-2:20: I DON'T EVEN UNDERSTAND WHY ANY OF THE THINGS THAT ARE HAPPENING ARE HAPPENING. WHY IS EVERYTHING EXPLODING? THIS HAS GONE ON FOR FAR TOO LONG. DID NO ONE HIRE AN EDITOR? PLEASE SOMEONE HELP. I WANT ALL THESE ROBOTS TO DIE BUT NOT FOR PLOT REASONS; I JUST WANT IT TO END.

150 minutes: Oh hey, a well-choreographed "small scale" final fight scene with only a couple of bots? Why couldn't you have done this instead of the last 40 minutes of the movie?

165 minutes: Well, okay, so at least it ended well. Wait a second, NO IT DIDN'T.

THEY LEFT THAT ONE BAD GUY ALIVE! The one that did like 90% of the actual destruction! WHY? Did they just forget about him?!

So, basically, if the movie were 40-ish minutes shorter and if the ending were a little bit re-jiggered, it might have been pretty okay. Hell, I'd bet that with a decent editor you could make what's already there into a decent movie. But as it is, it's like eating cotton candy that's 40% actual cotton. For every bite of sugary fluff, there's a cotton ball in there that will try to choke you.

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Apparently if you play Transformers and Dark of the Moon at the same time they totally sync up.

http://youtu.be/7Rfup0XKx7o

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There is apparently a blatant tease for a sequel in the movie anyway. And really, did anyone think this would end at the fourth one? These movies are licenses to print money from dumbasses.

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Saw it last night. In a couple of ways, it was better than 3, in others, so much worse. In a ton of ways, so much worse.

Okay, here goes. There are exactly two likable characters in the entire film: Chinese Business Chick and Heel-Face Turn Stanley Tucci. If the entire movie had been the two of them having wacky adventures, maybe I could have watched it and cared. Optimus Prime continues to be a douche bag. In fact, all of the Autobots this time have the emotional maturity of an 11-year old. These are supposed to be our heroes. Instead they squabble, whine, have emotional outbursts about how it's not fair, etc. Optimus at the end flies off to kill his creators because why not? As for the Dinobots, they're just kinda there. They just happen to be on an alien ship, Optimus bullies them into joining him, and they're just barely more intelligent than a dog.They're mainly there to sell toys and be trailer bait.

Then we have the human characters. Marky Mark is just as unlikable as Optimus. He's an "inventor." By inventor, we mean artist and we know what they say about the likability of artists. He has an equally unlikable daughter. At one point, he is willing to let said daughter get shot in the head to protect Optimus who he's known for five minutes. Like, literally, if it weren't for Optimus popping up, daughter would have a hole in her head. He also tends to threaten physical violence on anyone who points out what a bone-head he is. From there, he just gets worse. The unlikable daughter and her boyfriend are petty douches to the unlikable father. The boyfriend carries around a laminated card proving that he's not a sex offender by dating a 17-year old. I will repeat, he carries around a laminated card proving that he's not a sex offender by dating a 17-year old. What the fuck? Carrying around a card proving you're not a sex offender means there's a good chance that you're destined to be. She's not any better, having little to no common sense. At one point, she can easily escape a trap. Instead, she sits in the car, looking helplessly through the holes of the net holding it that she can easily fit through. She constantly makes out with her boyfriend in front of her father despite the ickiness of it all. The actress is there to be T&A but the fact that the character is 17, even if the person playing her is older, makes it all more weird.

As for the plot, well, it exists? It at least achieves something of the feeling of a post-war world with big billboards saying to remember Chicago... which is very much in tact with no battle damage 5 years after getting decimated. I mean, we even see buildings that got blown up in the last one in pristine condition. By the way, as a side-note, McCormick Place stands in for a building that a large amount of the film takes place in. This movie has tainted one of my favorite times of the year. Thanks a lot. Back to the plot. Kelsey Grammer, collecting the mother of all Ben Kingsley paychecks, is an obviously evil CIA boss and hates Transformers which is, of course, why he's working with a Transformer bounty hunter. Because why not. Marky Mark and an annoying comedy relief character find Optimus Prime and repair him and they all go on the run together. It just gets more annoying and dumb from there. There were like two good places to end the plot before it hits the ending. Also, Megatron gets revived as Galvatron and has a really shitty CGI transformation sequence. Really, just pure crap.

As for action, they didn't learn their lesson. At all! We have some giant robot battles but the pointless car chase scenes far outnumber them. Seriously, we ever have robot cars chasing robot cars. What outnumbers that are the number of human vs human fights. I get it, you hired Mark Wahlberg. You give him a gunblade. Doesn't mean that we need to have the human characters fighting each other all the time. Hell, we get more random robots vs human fights than Transformer fights. At one point, Pointless Daughter gets chased by robot dogs for like 5 minutes. So much padding.

Honestly, I think this might just be the worst in the series the more I think on it. I had the unique experience of seeing it with people who tried to defend it. It came down that one of them could only defend it with "Well, it's the kind of movie you just need to watch with your brain off." Having seen plenty of smart action films in my life, I refuse to acknowledge that one ever has to do that. There is no realistic reason to do so. It's a lazy excuse.

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I just watched it. It was very pretty, way too long, and parts of it made no sense. Fuck spoilers because it's been awhile.

Optimus Prime has rockets in his feet all the sudden? Way to never mention that before.

Why were the Dinobots dinosaurs? They are from space. I think people confused the dinosaurs that were turned into transformium that they found with the Dinobots and thought they have been on Earth all this time. Nope, they were on the spaceship sleeping until Prime woke them up.

Optimus was hurt and said the Autobots could fix him, but all he did was scan a new truck and he was good as new.

Optimus leaves Earth(using his new rocket boots) even though he knows Galvatron is actually Megatron in a new body and that he is still alive. He didn't even try to find him after killing the bounty hunter.

John Goodman was the most redeeming part of this movie, like most movies he's in.

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