RSS Posted November 21, 2011 Report Share Posted November 21, 2011 Within the last 24 hours I experienced something that I would not wish on any other human being. Something profoundly wrong, disturbing, and sickening. Something that offended me as a man, as a horror fan, as a geek, and as a viewer of movies. I am speaking of <i>The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn, Part One</i>. Until now, my experience with the <i>Twilight</i> franchise had been mostly osmosis; I've heard about it, I've had girlfriends see the films, but I'd never directly experienced them myself. As a geek, there's been a certain level of vitriol directed at the series due to its quality and the actions of its fans. And yes, because of my affection for a certain other series starring a vampire with slightly ridiculous hair, I have even jumped on that train myself. But all the same, while I knew it wasn't for me, I never actually bore the series any ill will. If people will pay to watch it, go nuts; it's not hurting anyone. I apologize, that was wrong of me. I have never been more wrong about anything in my entire life. <b>To read more, click here:</b> http://www.earth-2.net/reviews/m/twilight-breaking-dawn-01.php Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Missy Posted November 21, 2011 Report Share Posted November 21, 2011 This is an excellent and funny review, Preston! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dan Posted November 21, 2011 Report Share Posted November 21, 2011 Awesome stuff, man. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Venneh Posted November 21, 2011 Report Share Posted November 21, 2011 And just think: you get to see the other half next year! Isn't that AWESOME? Well done, though. And dear god, get a stiff drink on Thanksgiving. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James D. Posted November 21, 2011 Report Share Posted November 21, 2011 That was spectacular, Preston. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
slothian Posted November 21, 2011 Report Share Posted November 21, 2011 Bravo sir!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
You Know Who Posted November 21, 2011 Report Share Posted November 21, 2011 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MaxPower Posted November 21, 2011 Report Share Posted November 21, 2011 Very nice read. I wonder how many hits the site will get in the future from the search phrase "pro choice vampire baby". Also, I think you should script a pilot for "Charlie Swan: Small Town Cop" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stavros Posted November 22, 2011 Report Share Posted November 22, 2011 Brilliant. By the time you got to Bella naming the baby I'd completely lost it. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobobob_100 Posted November 22, 2011 Report Share Posted November 22, 2011 Best review I've seen for the that movie, of course the only thing I've heard about it is what my ex told me. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Metallo Posted November 22, 2011 Report Share Posted November 22, 2011 Why did this movie need two parts? Two part movies should be saved for things like the last Harry Potter or the Hobbit, not this piece of garbage!!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stavros Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 My housemates also found this very funny. We all watch the Twilight Rifftrax so we're big fans of mocking that franchise's obvious flaws. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Molly Posted November 23, 2011 Report Share Posted November 23, 2011 Thanks for the kind words, everyone. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kenny Evil Posted November 24, 2011 Report Share Posted November 24, 2011 The Renesmee bit had me howling. As per Stavros, the only tangible benefit of the Twilight series is that it's helped produce the greatest Rifftrax of all time (although Last Airbender is pretty close) I read a thing a few years ago about how someone was really looking forward to Breaking Dawn because he didn't see how they were going to keep all the batshit insanity in. From the sounds of your review, they found a way. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Venneh Posted November 24, 2011 Report Share Posted November 24, 2011 Oh, btw, I found a .gif of Jacob imprinting on the baby. You know. In case anyone else wants some neverending horror. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stavros Posted November 24, 2011 Report Share Posted November 24, 2011 Show us, it'll be useful when his trial comes up. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Missy Posted November 24, 2011 Report Share Posted November 24, 2011 Please share! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kenny Evil Posted November 24, 2011 Report Share Posted November 24, 2011 Must. See. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Venneh Posted November 24, 2011 Report Share Posted November 24, 2011 Will do when we're home. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SuaveStar Posted November 24, 2011 Report Share Posted November 24, 2011 Good read, my only wonder is: Am I the only person, that could almost hear the smokey and the bandit theme when Preston was talking about the downright awkward sex scenes. I don't get Twilight, and I don't give a shit about Twilight. But dammit, this was funny. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Venneh Posted November 25, 2011 Report Share Posted November 25, 2011 Here, kids. For your eternal horror. The according quote from Cleolinda's Movies in 15 Minutes summary of Breaking Dawn: [Renesmee catches Jacob's eye (the infant hussy!), and there, with Rosalie blessedly unaware of the fuckery unfolding behind her, Jacob. imprints. ON. THE BABY.] [ON THE BABY!!!] [He then goes tripping into a misty vision of Renesmee as a child and then a teenager presumably at the age of consent (but younger than her 17- and 18-year-old parents, because anything else would just be weird) frolicking through her very own sparkle meadow:] JACOB: It's like she's your new center of gravity. Nothing exists but her. You would do anything she wanted. Be anything she wanted. Friend, brother, protector, diaper-changer, babysitter, playdate, boyfriendbutonlyifshewantsyouto THAT IMPLIES CONSENT OKAY?!?! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James D. Posted November 25, 2011 Report Share Posted November 25, 2011 What the bloody fuck is imprinting? Is he Sanduskying this baby or something equally disturbing? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Venneh Posted November 25, 2011 Report Share Posted November 25, 2011 Here, if you really want to know In short, it's REALLY fuckin' creepy. Also, Cleolinda's explanation of it, which is still pretty damn horrifying: “Imprinting,” for those of you just joining us, is a love-at-first-sight thing where a wolf guy (or girl, I suppose, given Leah’s presence in the pack) sees someone for the first time and that someone instantly becomes the center of his (or her) universe. As Jacob painstakingly explains to Bella in New Moon, it’s not (necessarily) a sexual thing: whatever Claire needs—a brother, a friend, a lover—Quil will be that for her, because “that kind of love and devotion is hard to resist.” Read: Claire has absolutely no choice in this at all, and is going to end up with a guy she’s practically been raised with (by?). (Side note: Quil is another teenager werewolf who has imprinted on a toddler.) Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
James D. Posted November 25, 2011 Report Share Posted November 25, 2011 K... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Stavros Posted November 25, 2011 Report Share Posted November 25, 2011 It's ok because this is a super-baby that will grow to appear 16 in mere weeks, and thus obviously have the experience and reasoning capacity to decide what it's relationship with the obsessed giant wolf will be. She's basically 4 going on 40. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.