Every film you've watched in 2022

[Dread]

Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri: why did I wait so long to watch this movie. Holy shit. What a powerhouse. Brilliantly plotted and directed and acted. Looks gorgeous. Also has a wicked sense of dark humour which you don't expect in a prestige drama. Frances McDormand 100% deserved her Oscar. So did Sam Rockwell. So did Woody Harrelson as well, but unfortunately he was beat out for the award (and screen time) by Rockwell. Fantastic film.

• Features: 17
• Shorts: 7
• Documentaries: 1
• Rewatches: 0

[S-T]

The Next Karate Kid - You can't get someone younger than 30 years old to play a high school bully? Or younger than 40, at least?

Amityville Uprising - Wow this is terrible. The "acting" of the first guy stuck in the "acid rain" was laughable.

F9: The Fast Saga - There is no reason this needs to be two and a half hours long. And taking a car into space. Riiiiiiight. That sounds like something from an Austin Powers movie.

Venom: Let There Be Carnage - This should have been an R rated horror movie. I hate the characterization of Venom. Way, way too much comedy.

The Marksman - Liam Neeson carries an otherwise weak film.

[Donomark]

Raw Deal:

Arnold Schwarzenegger stars in this utterly rote and flavorless actioner, one year after the seminal Commando. The only other attractions are the presences of Robert Davi and Ed Lauter. The lone female character is completely worthless, and the script doesn't know how to deal with Arnold. He isn't on the same level as a Norris or a Stallone or a Lundgren, you can't plug him into just any old genre exercise and hope it'll work because of him. He's larger than life, he has to be played to his strengths. As such, the film exists as merely a cautionary example of what not to do with one of the most charismatic actors in the world.

Red Heat:

Now this is more like it. From the word go, this film knows how to depict Schwarzenegger, as an ubermensch freak of nature. Whether he's play a cop or a special-ops solider or a Russian combination of the two (he barely gets away with the Russian "accent" cuz he's Arnold), as long as Arnold is in the room, the camera should react like we and everyone else in the scene does, with frightened awe. Walter Hill was quoted about this and he's exactly right, it's not in Arnold's size or his muscles that compels you. It's in his eyes, his cold-ass stare. The first immediate image of him is indistinguishable from the T-800. And the fight scene that follows is a perfect match for this bizarre human experiment in the line between machismo nirvana and complete idiocy. 

The film actually settles down from that Commandonian opening set piece (a mix of Conan and something out of the Venture Bros), and straightens into a more traditional buddy cop flick with Jim Belushi. Like Bill Murray, the best of the Belushi era is before my time, so I went into this one expecting a lot of groaners from his wise-ass, smarmy "everyman" persona that I predicted to a T. But Belushi was a very good actor, and he and Arnold work well as an Oil and Water foil. There are also some surprising scenes of quality writing and direction that seem a cut above from the fare this usually swims in. The film as a whole isn't exactly a revelation, but it's perfectly solid for what it is, and a decent runner up under the stone cold Arnold classics like Total Recall, Running Man and True Lies.

[Donomark]

A Silent Voice (The Shape of Voice)

A film adaptation of the seven volume manga about a high school boy trying to make amends towards the deaf girl that he bullied in middle school. This is one of the most grounded anime films I've seen in a long time, and the hardest to watch since Wicked City (for different reasons). It's a little long at over two hours, but well worth the time. Very sad and emotionally stirring piece of work. 

 

[Missy]

Is it streaming anywhere?

[S-T]

Happy Death Day 2U: This is a repeat viewing. and I still have the same problem with the mid-credits scene that I had in 2019. It would not be the first time our government has done some really horrible things in the name of “science” but it still makes no sense.

Jessica Rothe is amazing and carries the film. Her scenes with her mom are incredibly touching. I noticed how red her eyes were in one of those scenes. Little things like that make a silly concept believable. I liked this movie a lot more than the first time I saw it. With that said:

Spoiler

Her ability to jump out of a plane and land exactly in front of her “boyfriend” from the other universe stretches suspension of disbelief to the breaking point. Yes, I am nitpicking that scene in a movie about time travel and parallel dimensions.

While I was trying to find my post to link here, I came across this prophetic statement I made about Cabin Fever:

Quote

The concept of a fast-spreading lethal virus is terrifying.

Little did we know that six months later…

 

[Dread]

Oh shit, I've definitely watched more than one movie since February 11th. I'll have to think on what they were and record them.

Crying Blue Sky: this is the cut of Eyes of Fire that is half an hour longer. Review forthcoming

• Features: 18
• Shorts: 7
• Documentaries: 1
• Rewatches: 0

[S-T]

Texas Chainsaw 2022: This is the second direct sequel to the original movie that erased all sequels in between from continuity. The first one was 2013, when a woman in her early 20's was cast to play a character who was a baby in 1974.

Because math is hard.

Anyway, Leatherface is at least 70 years old, and probably older. He's even stronger than he was then. Sure. Because that's how the human body works. I mean, come on.

And then this happened:

Spoiler

They brought back Sally from the 1974 movie. (Different actor, same character.) Then they turned her into a complete and total idiot. She has Leatherface cornered. He is dead to rights. She could easily kill him with her shotgun. She lets him walk away. Then in the next scene he butchers here in a completely anti-climactic death. This woman has been waiting nearly 50 years to confront this killer again, and she goes out in the most lame way possible.

Also, once again we have Hollywood not knowing how tools work. Chainsaws don't slice through thick wood beams like it's not even there. They certainly don't slice through metal sewer pipes like they aren't even there. If Leatherface found a lightsaber, OK, fine, but that's not how chainsaws work. Please find someone who is not totally sheltered to advise you on how tools work.

I know virtually nothing about tools, so if the error is so bad that I am picking it up, you need to do better.

[S-T]

Also...
 

Spoiler

Leatherface boards a bus with a bunch of Millennials and Zoomers on their phones. They don't notice him until he is about 8 feet away. One of them looks at the obviously crazy man, covered in blood, wearing a mask made of human skin, holding a running chainsaw and says "If you try anything, you're canceled Bro."

I hate this so much. I am Gen X, and I remember the bashing of my generation in the 90's. I am so tired of the tropes about Zoomers and Millennials being glued to their phone to the point that they don't know what is going on. And the threat to "cancel" him makes them look even more stupid and lame - and totally unrealistic. And of course during this massacre we have people commenting on the live stream about how the massacre looks "unrealistic."

And no one would gang up on him, kick him in the groin, try to gouge his eyes out, grab his arms, whatever? This is one elderly man with a chainsaw. He should have been subdued. Not without casualties, but that's where his rampage ends.

This idiocy had to be written by a Boomer, who has completely forgotten all of the bashing of Boomers by their own parents and grandparents.

The more I actually think about this movie the worse it gets.

[Dread]

Jackass 3: Damn. Movie night with the boys last night. We decided on this one. I'd never seen it. It's definitely the one tat makes you wretch the most. Hahaha! Look, I'm a simple man. A bull smashes into a dude: I laugh. 

• Features: 19
• Shorts: 7
• Documentaries: 1
• Rewatches: 0

[Donomark]

On 2/21/2022 at 11:42 AM, Missy said:

Is it streaming anywhere?

It's on Netflix!

[S-T]

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen - Because I hate myself and want to suffer as much as possible. It's on Netflix.

Why would a robot fart?  One of the little frenzy bots in Sam Witwicky's kitchen farted as it ran down the hallway. Jetfire farted too. And even if it did expel fire or hot gas, why does it sound like a human fart?

Also, robots feel pain. Why would robots feel pain? I realize Return of the Jedi did that a quarter century earlier, but why would a robot feel pain when wounded?

And why does eviscerating robots look like eviscerating living organisms? They have blood? They bleed from their mouths?

I don't need to go into much more detail, because The Real Protagonists already did that.

He knows where it is. If he finds it.

[S-T]

Transformers: Dark of the Moon - It was bad. And the criticism I have of robots feeling pain and the "gore" that accompanies ripping a machine apart applies here too. If I took a sledgehammer to my toaster, it would not bleed or drool or puke. It's a machine.

But something occurred to me: I recently listened to the We Hate Movies podcast review of Law Abiding Citizen. One of them used an exaggerated accent to mock Gerard Butler. That was literally the voice of the soccer hooligan Autobots. This movie even ruins attempts to parody it.

[S-T]

Contagion - I had nightmares early on in the pandemic, so I am glad I didn't watch this then.  (Though I did watch Outbreak.) Very closely predicts several things about COVID-19 - the talk of social distancing, runs on stores and especially the conspiracy theories.

[Donomark]

Streets of Fire: I got halfway thru and was called away for something, and didn't go back to it. I understand this was very influential on Japanese media like Streets of Rage and stuff, but this was so obnoxiously 80s that I couldn't get into it. Bad acting, bad dialogue, broad and vague plotting. Yeah, I don't regret not finishing it.

The Batman: Hoping to see this a second time to finalize my thoughts.

[Dread]

11 hours ago, Donomark said:

Streets of Fire: I got halfway thru and was called away for something, and didn't go back to it. I understand this was very influential on Japanese media like Streets of Rage and stuff, but this was so obnoxiously 80s that I couldn't get into it. Bad acting, bad dialogue, broad and vague plotting. Yeah, I don't regret not finishing it.

 

 

Fear and Desire: for a thing.

• Features: 20
• Shorts: 7
• Documentaries: 1
• Rewatches: 0

[S-T]

16 hours ago, Donomark said:

Streets of Fire: I got halfway thru and was called away for something, and didn't go back to it. I understand this was very influential on Japanese media like Streets of Rage and stuff, but this was so obnoxiously 80s that I couldn't get into it. Bad acting, bad dialogue, broad and vague plotting. Yeah, I don't regret not finishing it.

I guess you kinda had to be there.

Which I was. I am an old man. Get off my lawn.

[Professor]

The Batman: I loved it.  Then it kept going and now I really liked it.   Yeah, I had a few little quibbles, but the main negative is the length.  Along the way, most scenes could have been tightened a few seconds.  Normally that would annoy me when I feel a movie is too long, however here it is done with a purpose and is effective.  But that third act was the misstep.  Estimating things, but could have cut most of the last 20ish minutes.  Still, really enjoyable.

[Donomark]

I have a slight bias against the 80s. Even though I was born into it's final year, it's such an OTT decade. We got a lot of terrific culture from it, undeniably. But other stuff just does not appeal to me in the slightest. Like the dancing sequence at the end of The Breakfast Club and stuff. So when in Streets of Fire, McCoy's talking about "Yeah I hear they were a real item back in the day. Real steamy, it was major.", I'm like this simply isn't my thing.

 

[Donomark]

The Batman: Okay, now that I've seen it twice I can adjust my thoughts better.

I kinda just want to list all the things I liked. To get any cons out of the way, the length is definitely the most objective one. It helps achieve the Long Halloween blueprint it's clearly following (apparently Jeph Loeb was a writing instructor for Matt Reeves back in the day, so I imagine that'll be his general inspo for this franchise moving forward), but it's not exactly an epic. It's a very modern comic book, Post 1986 Batman that does not go for the five-pages-a-fight-scene tradition, and keeps things focused on the story. And I do like a more traditionally superheroic Batman on film, because it's a different medium. I would've liked to see a batarang thrown, or him be more dominant in fighting hoards and hoards of bad guys, but at the same time none of this was invention in lieu of translating the character on-screen. And that's really where the film is most successful.

This is the most definitively accurate Batman portrayal in live action. The way Pattinson moves, talks, reacts and just is throughout the whole film is a revelation. Even his "sense of humor" speaks true to a darker look on life, but not one un-tempered by optimism in saving Gotham City. His voice is great, his fighting style is solid, and the fact that he's in the costume for 85% of the film and the scenes rarely move away from him help maximize our investment in this Batman. Smart people knew Pattinson is a good actor, but he really found a vibe for the character that no other actor has. 

The rest of the actors are solid, especially Paul Dano. I've seen people laugh at his mania in the third act but that rings entirely true. The Riddler is not some chad-alpha embodiment of stoicism, he's punk and should be depicted as one.

Other stuff I just really liked:

-Great cowl, I love how it's the Adam West Bat-Hood complete with the outlined nose, just painted black.

-Great Bat-Signal and consistent use of it

-Lots of fun action with the Grappling Hooks, used offensively as well as a mode of travel. Second in frequency only to Batman and Robin.

-Other sly references to the 60s show in flourishes here or there like in Wayne Manor

-We actually don't get a lot of Alfred in this film, which is refreshing as they've really hammered that relationship home in the past decade or so. Andy Serkis is still solid, and is playing a mostly Batman Earth One version of the character. Their last scene together in the film is a favorite of mine.

-I'm personally more a fan of the stylish Batmobiles. I'm glad we've gotten back to it being a car rather than a tank or streetsweeper, but my only niggle is that you can see inside from the outside windows. I came up with those being tinted, but nevertheless I loved seeing Batman drive almost causally in it. Very reminiscent of the Denny O'Neil/Neal Adams era.

I put up a ranking, but if I'm being honest this is tied with Begins because I left that movie thinking it was the greatest cinematic experiences of my life. Begins has more of the signature Batman mythology I enjoy, and this film is very much a mythology in progress. But it's all preferential. There are very, very few missteps and no betrayals to speak of. I am not crying about the cancelled Affleck film, seeing as how great this one turned out to be.

[Dread]

Killer's Kiss: for a thing

• Features: 21
• Shorts: 7
• Documentaries: 1
• Rewatches: 0

[slothian]

On 3/7/2022 at 5:47 AM, Dread said:

 

 

Fear and Desire: for a thing.

 

• Features: 20
• Shorts: 7
• Documentaries: 1
• Rewatches: 0

 

On 3/7/2022 at 10:50 AM, S-T said:

I guess you kinda had to be there.

Which I was. I am an old man. Get off my lawn.

You had your chance to feedback to HAA, old men! .....and technically still do, as we accept retrospective feedback!

[Dread]

18 minutes ago, slothian said:

 

You had your chance to feedback to HAA, old men! .....and technically still do, as we accept retrospective feedback!

I set an alarm to do so, but I guess I never set the notification for it. Haha! At this point, I barely remember Moranis in SoF enough to comment.

[Dread]

Paths of Glory: for a thing, but yeah...a complete masterpiece.

Spartacus/Lolita: for a thing...WHAT COULD IT BE?

• Features: 24
• Shorts: 7
• Documentaries: 1
• Rewatches: 0

[S-T]

Resident Evil: Welcome to Racoon City - OK, you successfully filmed cutscenes from the game in live action. Congratulations.

This was not good. The Milla Jovovich movies (at least the first 4) were much better. Even the last MJ entry, which made no sense and abandoned continuity of the previous movies, was better than this.