The Master

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Oboy, this week's.

-Lois planning her wedding with a model church.

-Very heroic of Chloe and Oliver to steal someone else's reservation.

-For them to take the reservation of FBI agents investigating Desaad was such a ridiculous coincidence.

-From ripping off The Matrix to ripping off Date Night.

-Also, they're apparently Nite-Owl and Silk Spectre.

-Creating a character to point out that Clark is like The Blur only makes your writers look incompetent for never establishing that Clark is the mask earlier.

-The FBI not knowing who Green Arrow is when he was so worried before.

-Not being able to corrupt ordinary people makes Darkseid's forces look pathetic.

-Establishing that Clark is the mask was such blatant exposition.

But, not everything was bad. While using the Seven Deadly Sins was a bit on the nose, it was nice to see Desaad mindfucking with people. The ending with Green Arrow also has potential, hopefully it won't be wasted (but it probably will). And then, there were Lois' additions to Clark's jacket, which got a genuine laugh from me.

So, while not exactly good, it wasn't as bad as usual.

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Oh. I almost forgot. Chloe (in a rather terrible line of dialogue) referenced the fact that she'd apparently met Batman and Wonder Woman.

"...a billionaire with a ton of high-tech gadgets, and a wondrous woman that'll throw you for a loop."

Much as hearing that these characters at least EXIST in Smallville tickles me, I'm more pissed off that we got teased with them when it's obvious that they'll never actually appear. Well, that and the "wondrous woman" line was atrocious.

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Last week's episode was a step up from the previous week's since it wasn't a rip-off of a popular movie, but I really don't understand what Connor's purpose is. At first it looked like he was being set up as a way to bring Lex back, then we had the Superboy twist (which made no sense considering he wielded a kryptonite gun) and got a repeat of Clark when he was a teenager. When he was being set up as a means for Lex to return, he had a purpose, but now he's coming off as a repeat of Lex and Clark without one. On the plus side, this episode had Lionel, which is always a big check in the positive column for me. As for the ending, it's been something I've expected them to do since Lionel came over and I'm really interested to see what comes of it.

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Chris and I have come to the following conclusions, as of tonight:

-Smallville is the anti-life equation

-Darksied was the smoke monster on Lost

-The only thing Darksied will do that is remotely in character is crush our naive hope that this will be good

-The reason Charlie Sheen is the way he is is because he attempted to weaponize Smallville

-Lionel's hair will save the day

-Darksied will tempt Lex with his hair back

-Connor will learn to fly before Clark does

-Chloe is going to be the one to die next ep, because of Oliver being branded and shit

-This will turn Clark into Super Shinji

-Why? Because fuck you.

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While talking to Shaun tonight, I came up with my personal idea of how Smallville will end:


Clark: Hey, Lois, so I picked up those apples from the store, and—

*Pete Ross enters the front door suddenly*

Clark and Lois: O_O

Clark: Pete! I haven't seen you since you "accidentally" turned evil!

Lois: "...who are you again?"


Clark: "'re totally on drugs again."

Pete: "You know it, muthafuckas!"

*A sword randomly appears through Pete's neck, and slices his head off*

*The undead corpse of fake-Jimmy Olsen stands behind Pete's regular-dead corpse, sword in hand*

Clark: "Thanks, fake-Jimmy! for a second there, it looked like we were gonna have another Stride gum episode!"

fake-Jimmy: "Sure thing, C.K.! It's a good thing the Legion gave me this time-traveling re-animation ring before I died!"

Clark: "Hey... doesn't that sound sorta like a retcon?"

Lois (whispering): "Clark, you know you're not supposed to say the r-word. No one else here knows what that means."

*Jimmy's undead corpse gets blown to pieces by a rocket*

*Rosenbaum-Lex steps into the house with a rocket launcher over his shoulder*


*Lex turns a gun on Clark*

*Lex fires the gun*

*Tess jumps (out of nowhere) in the way of the bullet*

*Tess gets shot, and falls to the ground. Clark catches her, and cradles her in his arms as she slowly bleeds to death*

Tess: "Clark... I want you to know... I always... wanted to jump your bones. so very badly."

Clark (tearfully): "I know, Tess. I know."

*Tess dies*

Lex: "huh. So, like, was she my sister? Or my girlfriend? I can't remember. Whatever."

*Lex fires again*

*Chloe jumps in the way and gets shot*


Chloe: "Clark... I wanted you to know... everything I said about loving Jimmy more deeply than anyone else... and then when I said the same thing about Ollie... I was lying. I really just wanted to fuck you."

Clark: "...we... we've still got time. Maybe we can—"


*Chloe dies*

*Clark does his Chris Reeve scream-into-the-air*

Tess: Hey, why didn't you do that when I died?

Lois: I thought you were dead.

Tess: Oh yeah. *slumps back to the floor*

*Ollie walks in the room*

Ollie: Woah! What's going on in here?!

Lex: Oh, I'm just shootin' people. You want me to get you, too?

Ollie: Aw, no, it's okay man. *smiles* I got it.

*Ollie pulls out a crossbow and shoots himself in the head, in slow-motion*


Clark: "You think you've won. But you haven't. I have the ultimate power of goodness on my side."

Clark steps aside, revealing... LANA, STANDING IN HER FULL ANGELIC GLORY.




*Darkseid dies*

*Clark falls over and begins to die from being in proximity to krypto-powered Lana.*

Lana (in tears): It's okay, Clark. You have to kill me, so you can grow into the hero you're meant to be.

*Lana puts Clark's hand on her skull*

*Clark screams in pain as he crushes her skull*

Clark gets up, just fine now that Lana's dead.

Clark is now covered in the blood of... well, most of the cast.

Lex: "Hmm.... the Clark I know would never do that. He's way too much of a lame-ass dork. I guess this isn't Clark, and Clark never had super-powers after all."

Lex: You win this round, Blur. But NEXT TIME, I'LL BE THE REAL VILLAIN OF THE STORY!

*Lex leaves*

Clark looks around at the disemboweled bodies and the Lana-brains on his hands.

Jonathan Kent appears at his side, gently putting his hand on Clark's shoulder.

Jonathan: "Congratulations, Clark. You're finally the hero you were always meant to become."

Clark smiles.

Clark reaches for the Superman cape hanging on his coat rack.

He pulls the cape aside, revealing the red leather Blur-jacket hanging underneath it.

He puts on the jacket and super-speed-runs out of the house.

Lois walks right in front of the camera, looks straight into it, smiles, then lifts up her shirt and flashes the audience.

Lois: You're welcome, America.


The Danny Elfman Batman theme plays over the end credits.

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