Request thread (with scores!), updates, and random thoughts


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Out of curiosity, I watched An Easter Bunny Puppy. This might be David DeCoteau's La Dolce Vita, his The Searchers, his His Girl Friday. Take everything that makes his other "talking"animal movies so... odd... and turn that up to 11. Kristine DeBell wears a terrible wig, the most insufferable talking animal yet, another love story between a kinda pretty girl and a guy who probably wishes he had been in a different kind of David DeCoteau film, "acting," Guy Banters out the ass, a bit of self-awareness that should go die in a fire, establishing shots, montages, driving in cars. Then add the Casio Keyboard having an uncontrollable spasm, a return to the set-ups for porn scenes, the steady progression of a case of laryngitis and it's sudden disappearance, plotlines pulled out of thin air that feel like a Saved by the Bell episode.

Oh, and Jason Faunt's character is named Courtney. It's like DeCoteau made this film just to be put on the Tirades.

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I don't know if you're adverse to a made-for-tv movie but I think you guys need to take a look at The Christmas Consultant. David Hasslehoff as a potentially sociopathic man who is hired to help a family get ready for Christmas, taking control of every aspect of their lives so they have the best Christmas ever. I wouldn't say it's the worst Lifetime/ABC Family Christmas movie ever but it's definitely one of the tops.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Since you guys have opened the doors to TV Movies, To Riverdale and Back Again which runs on the premise of the Archie characters coming together for their high school reunion. This is a highlight:

And all this time I thought Jughead did not chase girls because he was asexual.

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  • 1 month later...

It occurs to me that The Happening is the first disaster movie that you guys have covered (The Legend of the Titanic doesn't count since can it be a disaster when the Iceberg was thrown by a giant octopus?). So, I feel this must be corrected.

The Airport series is a classic example of making a movie that everyone seems to love and then making sequels until you want it to go away. The fourth in the series, The Concorde... Airport '79 is truly the greatest of the worst. You'd almost think it was parody if it weren't for the fact that you remember, no, you've seen half the scenes done better in Airplane a couple of years later. The film has two giant plotholes. For starters, the premise is that people are flying on the Concorde to go to the 1980 Olympic Games aka that one in Russia that everyone boycotted. While going over the Atlantic, a missile is shot at them that gets deflected by a flair gun and they land to refuel in Paris and, in the biggest plothole of all, EVERYONE gets back in the plane that someone just tried to blow up!

While there have been a lot of disaster movies in the past couple of decades (Some with Nicholas Cage!), I think Armageddon might be the worst of the bunch. The Michael Bay film that somehow got a Criterion Collection release is just flabbergasting most of the time. Between science taking a vacation, scenes of world monuments getting destroyed, Ben Affleck crying at everything, or multiple occasions where logic takes a holiday, it's bad. Deep Impact which came out in the same year is also pretty bad but this is still less than great. Oh, and it takes halfway through the movie for them to get to the fucking meteor.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aD25aAsDqZ8

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  • 3 weeks later...

The Neverending Story Part III: Okay, it's not as bad as the second one was on some levels but, on most others, Holy Christ on a Cracker! I love practical effects but most of the puppets they use are barely on the same level as Chuckie Cheese. The plot has some huge-ass holes in it. Then there's the acting. I don't expect much from child actors. I expect them to at least have a minimal amount of line reading. So many fails. Jack Black (!) is the leader of a gang of bullies who are the villains and it all ends with a rather family unfriendly Aesop.

From Justin to Kelly: Everyone watched American Idol when it first happened. It was big. So, why wouldn't you make a movie starring the two finalists that's also a musical? Because you have no script, no one who can act, and some of the hokiest pop hits of all time? Why, that won't stop this movie. Nor will making it a movie set at a beach that is completely PG despite being set at Spring Break. But, let's also throw in a villain who has as much motivation as Castillo in House of the Dead (or maybe even less) because we need a villain, right? How about musical numbers with establishing shots over top? How about bad white boy rapping? How about a Hovercraft Deathmatch? What if every guy was a guy banter in the film? Now, what if I tell you you put all of these together with the worst choreography ever seen and filmed/produced the entire thing in like six months? Honey, I think you may have made a bad movie!

http://www.joblo.com/videos/movie-clips/from-justin-to-kelly-best-lines

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There are movies that we toss into the "maybe" list every single year after making the schedule and there are about five or six that have consistently been penciled in and then replaced on the schedule with something else soon after.

From Justin to Kelly is one of those.

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