Noah review


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The outcry of the latest Noah movie has been that it is not faithful to the original material.


As someone who enjoys Bible stories I will try to compare a Noah movie and see what all the fuss is about.


We start with text saying that poetic license was taken for dramatic effect.

This could have been interesting. There is much speculation about what the world was like before the flood. Passages like Genesis 6:4 give the impression that more than just humans were around. The mention of beings being half sons and daughters of God and half human have led to the belief of ancient giants descended from humans and angels. I even once heard a theory of them being the children of humans and demons. Since they were also described as the heroes of old I interpreted this theory as meaning only one thing.


But no, There is no bronze age Yu Yu Hakusho. Instead it starts with senseless killing, only one man is disgusted by this. Noah, played by Jon Voight. Noah turns down an invitation to an orgy and goes to his family.

His sons ask him whether he brought home any spoils of war including severed body parts. Noah tells a story about a bee and they all start buzzing. One lady asks about her husband Lot and the boys insult her saying that he is avoiding her. She gets mad and charges them but the boys dodge her and she falls into a dye vat. Now this scene shows that the poetic license means taking the story of Noah and replacing it with the story of Abraham. Now I do not see what the problem is, it is not like Abraham is the father of one faith.

He is the father of three religions, Judaism, Christianity and Islam. Fun fact! this was banned in Malaysia for its depiction of Noah and Lot was seen as sacrilegious.

Like in the story of Abraham, god warns Noah that Sodom and Gommorah will be destroyed. It is then that Abraham .... pardon me Noah asks for a sign that he is real. G-d responds by sending 32 bit lava all around a terrified Noah. This could be seen as a reference to the story of Elijah who finds God not in lightning, fire and storms but in a still small voice..... wait! that is more of a contradiction.


Anyway Noah bargains with god, saying if he could find ten good people then the city would be spared. Like in the Bible Noah (Abraham) could not and they escape. The sad scene of Lots wife turning into a pillar of salt as she takes one last look at the life she left, is replaced with the silly scene of Lots wife turning into a pillar of salt as she wants to see Sodom burned, Lot makes a whoop whoop face and snaps of her finger.


Noah stops a group from sacrificing a young lady played by Sidney Poitier (the daughter of the actor not the actor) by asking god to basically destroy them all. Which he does. The banter of the priests pre smote reveal to the audience that this is meant to be a comedy. This brings up the question how does an audience with a fanatical devotion to something respond when the object of their affectioned is parodied?


Noahs family come across a junk dealer headed to Sodom. Noahs wife smugly informs him that Sodom has been destroyed by god. It is now that Noah receives instruction on building the ark. But rather than showing him taking years, thus giving a lesson on diligence and persistence, god drops the supplies at his front door, has the instructions in a secret code that only noah could understand.

A short while later god gets impatient and finishes it up by magic.

God brings the animals and the neighbors get angry. They go to kill him and the rain comes they have to move to the ark quickly but they have enough time for Noahs sons to kidnap.. I mean rescue their girlfriends.

The world is flooded and all the animals are getting along.


Woah! do not remember that part in the Bible

and it turns out that the Ark is not the only vessel, because the junk dealers wagon has become a boat.


The junk dealer introduces firmented fruit juice to Noah. Now many scholars do point out Noah as the first person in the Bible to get drunk but it happens after the flood not during. While drinking Noah claims that the boys and their girlfriends must be celibant on the ark. (never brought up in the Bible)

This is the part that anyone who have seen this movie remembers.

Not only does the junk dealer find a way to build a boat immediately but so do the wicked people. Did god immediately build boats for them? Even though he brought the flood to drown them? We see that it was the angry neighbors who have all become pirates. Pointless sword fight, to show that the captain is evil enough to kill his own men. and who is the Captain?


It is Lot who is even sporting an eyepatch!

Pirates lay siege and they all fight back in a way that makes Hook look like Captain Blood. Eventually the pirates fire and noah prays for god to destroy them, god complies. After that excitement there is good weather and everyone gets bored. The sons toss some bottles overboard to see if they are going in circles. They come across it again and Noah is mad that he lost his bottles not that they were going in circles. They go crazy.

One tries out for Waterworld screen_shot_2014_04_01_at_3_06_53_am_by_

another for Hamlet screen_shot_2014_04_01_at_3_07_40_am_by_

and Noahs wife wears white make up and only speak in rhyme while riding a horse. screen_shot_2014_04_01_at_3_08_09_am_by_

Noah hears from god and god decides to kill all man. Probably after seeing everyone so loony. But Noah outsmarts god by dancing for him. screen_shot_2014_04_01_at_3_12_25_am_by_This pleases god and he spares humanity.

Then they send the ravens and later the dove who comes with the branch. They land on ground and see the rainbow. The sons are married to their victims... I mean girlfriends. They go their separate ways, exactly what I would do after spending so long in an ark.

Now the Darren Aronofsky may have taken poetic license but I cannot imagine it to be any worse than this movie.

oh and Happy April Fools everyone!

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