Ramblings of a mad man.

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Well, I wrote this a few minutes ago, and it's not really what I sat down to write, I don't know what i mean to write, but this came out.

Tell me what you think.

This subject has been on my mind for nearly twenty years. In my mind, I never stopped writing this, but getting it down on paper like this now, it all seems so final, like this is it, me admitting to the difficulties of life, admitting that I know neither the questions or answers of life. Not even knowing why I am here or why I am the way I am. This is not as much an article as it is a confession, a confession of the soul you could say, though why would you want to.

I guess you should always start a personal bio thing, by talking about yourself and your history, and how you came to be, but I am such a self depreciating critic of myself, I truly could not do the situation truthfully and believe I will either over analyse every single detail, come across as very self righteous and full of myself, or worse, you will be reading this and before the first paragraph be bored to tears. Here’s hoping it’s the second one.

Ever since I was a child, the one thing I could not stand was people with egos, the ability to kid yourself that you can do something and never actually have the balls to back it up always annoyed me, it’s all well and good to say I can jump from a great height and not get hurt but when the day comes, who’s going to look like the bigger fool, the kid who jumped from five feet, and is slightly scraped, or the boy who claimed he could jump from ten and not follow through on the claim. The scars of the boy who fell from five feet will heal, but the ego of the other boy may never recover. I always believed that if I could not do something, or at least attempt it, I was always going to be upfront about it, was I ever going to be the boy who jumped from a great height, no, was I ever going to be the boy who attempted to jump from the safer height, still no, was I going to be the boy who decided to walk along and wait for the street to get lower and not have to jump at all, yes, yes I was.

I was an actor for years and I took the same belief with me into this field, if I felt I couldn’t do an accent, I wasn’t going to attempt it. If I felt like I couldn’t cry on cue, I wasn’t going to try it. I became known as an over the top actor who played on laughs, not because I didn’t know how to handle serious roles, I never tried them so we will never know the answer to that. I felt I couldn’t gauge an audiences reaction if my character were to suffer a serious setback in life, you would never know what the audience were thinking at the exact moment that your character took a turn for the worse, when asking the audience later on what they thought, they will tell you with hindsight blocking what they thought, the saying hindsight is 20/20 always rung true with me, and I now know why.

You can only gauge laughter is what I am trying to say, when you are an actor, in the middle of a play or a street performance, the audience will not let you know that the scene your doing is getting through to them, but when you are trying to be funny and you hear the laughter you know you are doing something right.

Hindsight is a great thing, it can teach us how to stop from falling from a mistake twice, but it is my belief that hindsight can also be a drug. You can become so consumed with learning from your mistakes in the past and remembering how things used to be, that you lose sight of the here and now. Remembering a time when you were happy is a great way to calm down in the middle of a stressful situation, no one can deny that, but how many of us have been in that checkout in a store, waiting to get served and just letting your mind wander and just for a moment you remember the first time you got dumped, or the last time you were drunk and something you blocked out, or your partner or friend screaming at you for something that wasn’t your fault. We’ve all been there, whether we would like to admit it or not, we cannot pretend that we spend every moment of everyday living in the present and looking to the future, if this were true, prescription drugs would not be so wildly needed by millions of people every day. In hindsight we can say “I will never let that happen again” or “That was a fun day” though it would be a lie to say that were the only things we think about from our pasts.

When you think about your past, people always say remember the good and forget the bad, but it isn’t that simple. “Those who do not learn from history are doomed to repeat it” it’s the perfect sentence in the fact that is so right, and at the same time, so wrong. You can learn a lot from history, and not just things that happened over twenty years ago, history is being made every day, as once the day is over it is in the history books, and it will stay there forever. February 12th 2008 has came and it has gone, does that date mean anything special to me, not really, but it could have been the day when a child is born, a family member sadly dies, or you win at the racetrack for the first time in a long time, or it may have been the last day that you felt you were truly happy. Just because a date means nothing to me, doesn’t mean it won’t mean something to someone else.

I have spent nearly as much looking back at the past as I have living in the present, by that I mean that I have seen things that I will cherish for the rest of my days and have felt indescribable highs, and indescribable lows. Would I like to say I remember the highs of holding my first born nephew for the first time the day he was born, or the first time he called my name, yes, yes I would. But would I also like to say I have not more often remembered the lows of failure and feeling like I was the only person in the world who had felt like I was worthless, yes, yes I would, but I would be lying.

It’s not wrong that we look to the past for guidance, but to look to the pasty and say you wish you were there is nothing but foolish. Have I looked to where I have been in the past and wished I was their again, yes I have, have I made some decisions that were wrong and I will have to live with for the rest of my life, yes I have. When I do things in the moment, they always seem right and it is not till late on, when I feel the results of my actions, both good and bad that I realise the importance of the decision I’ve made, and have spent countless nights lying awake and asking myself why did I make one stupid decision. All the while not noticing that while living in the past I am missing out on the present and soon to be passed and will sadly add that to the ”What was I thinking pile”.

I wished I had a machine that could alter history and make everything that I have done wrong go right, but I know that every decision I have made has brought me to where I am now, good or bad, this is where I am. Unfortunately I am spending way too much time dwelling on the past that I cannot see what is coming up in the present or near future and only what I missed in the past.

You can say the greatest gift that was bestowed upon mankind was freewill, and it is true, but on the other side of the coin is the knowledge that every action you take has an equal and negative reaction, and no matter what, you will know of the consequences of your actions and always be left to wonder what if?

I started out with this trying to write about how my own mind seems to be more concerned with capturing the past than t does embracing the present, but now I know, it is not the past I am looking at, it is the realisation that my time on this earth is finite. No matter what I do, when my number is called and it is time for me to go, I will have to with nothing but my memory’s to come with me. The real question is did I want to be remember for what I was, or do I want to be remembered for what I could have been?

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Glad you found the time to write something. This was mostly stream of consciousness?

Granted, from a structural and grammatical sense, it's a mess, but this strikes me as something you needed to write more for yourself than any sort of reader, and that's fine.

You have potential, kiddo.

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Yeah, I just sat down and wrote, I had an idea of what I wanted to write and just went with whatever came to mind. Hence the titile.

I completely agree with you, I know my weakest ponts are my grammar and structure.

I guess I just had to get this off my chest, it was just something I had been thinking about for a while.

Thanks for the support D.W

I need to ask(Cause I'm an idiot.)

This was mostly stream of consciousness?
What did you mean by that?
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Stream of consciousness is when you write an mostly spontaneous unedited piece of work so that you can get the most raw and genuine emotion possible without filtering.

Oh. That makes sense.

Yeah, I just wrote whatever came to mind. That's my problem whenver I take the time to proof something I take the life out of it, it's just a random display of words, but when i write like that and it's all over the place and a mess, it feels more real. If that makes sense.

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