Diamond James Stanton

[Cheap Heat]

This forum is looking a little empty, so I'll post the project I'm working on at the Morphorums here. Yes, it's about superheroes.

[Cheap Heat]

Diamond James Stanton

Episode one: The re-diamondning

Scene: A man is running through a baron desert, no life in site, when suddenly he comes across an abandoned diamond mind. He hides inside the mine. Suddenly a light flashes on his face. The man flashing the light (from a torch) is so ugly he has to be at least 400 years old or Canadian. He starts questioning this “runaway”.

Old Man: No-one’s been down te’ the ol’ diamon’ min’ in ni-on six years. They say this place is haunted. Haunted by the Nazis who were sleign here. The allies came to do the sleighing and sleighing they did. Every German slewn at the hands of the allies. Fast-forward to present day 6 years ago and boom. Diamond miners fled after a ghost attack, murdering all the first borns. Luckily for most of them, they were virgins, but for those rare Diamond Miners they had lost their children. No-one’s been ‘ere since. Which begs me to question, why are you here?

Man: I’m on the run from the law. I’m being chased for a crime I didn’t commit. This is the only place I can hide. They say men fear to tread here, which is why it’s perfect for hiding.

Old Man: All understanble. My name is Shruggs.

(Shruggs puts his hand out, looking for a shake, slowly the young man accepts the handshake.)

Man: The names Stanton, James Stanton.

(Just as James finishes his sentence, a nuclear explosion blows up the mine, rubble everywhere. A torchlight from a helicopter above shines down on the nuclear reckage. We can see Shruggs’ carcass and then a shadowy figure move just outside of the spotlight. The figure walks into the light and it’s none other than James Stanton, only with diamond skin.)

J.S: Shruggs.. Shruggs… SHRUGGS! WHY! YOU WERE SO YOUNG.

(At this moment Stanton notices the helicopter.)

J.S: YOU! YOU DID THIS TO MY BEST FRIEND! STANTON SMASH PUNY HELICOPTER!

(Stanton jumps up with super human speed smashing his fist of diamond, sending the plane and it’s pilot into a fiery grave. Stanton lands on the ground and then walks up to Shruggs’ body.)

J.S (whispering): It’s my fault they got you Shruggs. It is only now that I’ve learnt that with great power comes great responsibility. (Yelling) I WILL AVENGE YOU SHRUGGS, MARK MY WORDS, I WILL AVENGE YOU BY ERADICATING ALL CRIME!

(Scene fades to black. Cue opening credits.)

J.S: I used to be an average guy, on the run from the law, because of a crime I didn’t commit. Thanks to a nuclear explosion, diamonds melded with my chemical structure, giving me diamond skin and super powers, but at a cost. I lost my best friend in that explosion and now I must use my powers to make sure no-one experiences a loss like I have. I took my old high school nickname that I used to be teased with as my new alter ego. Isn’t it lucky that being labeled Diamond James Stanton would correspond with my new powers.

(End opening credits)

Scene: A police commissioner’s office. A nice set up, with a moose head on the wall, pine desk, priceless paintings. At least you know where your tax dollars are going to. Sitting at his desk, feet on the table, asleep, is police commissioner “John Caruso”. We hear footsteps coming from behind the door. Door opens and in walks Lieutenant Jay. He walks up to the desk and drops a pile of papers on Commissioner Caruso’s desk. The Commissioner wakes up with a startled look on his face.

J.C: What the bloody hell! (realizing it’s just Jay) Oh, it’s just you. What is it.?

Jay: Another vigilante has stopped a crime outside a pet store. Same description, he has diamond skin.

J.C: Jesus Christ Jay, that’s the fourth one this week! This vigilante is giving us a bad name.

Jay: Don’t worry sir, we’ve got a new tough as nails cop on the team. 6 years in Harvard Police Academy, 6 years in Yale’s Gifted and Talented Law Enforcers. Top of his class in both of them. Commissioner, I’d like you to meet

(At this moment a tough looking policeman walks in. He butts in.)

Cop: Murphy, Doran Murphy. I’ll stop this rogue vigilante, or my name is Doran Murphy.

J.C: Excellent. He will do just fine.

(Fade out)

AD BREAK

(Fade in)

Scene: A person, draped in tatty clothes is walking along a back ally in New York. He is pulled into a building by another man. The camera scales the building till it’s focusing on its roof. The other man, also dressed in tatty clothes pulls the man out on to the roof, covering the man’s face and mouth. He releases his grasp. The man turns around, about to attack, before realizing who it is. The man who dragged him to the roof begins to talk.

Thief 1: Didja ge’ the ‘and bag?

Thief 2: Damn right I did. The suckers didn’t know what was happenin’ to ‘em. Wham! I got the bag.

Thief 1: We’re goin’ te’ be eating te’ night.

Thief 2: But all it’s got is money. There are very little nutrients in a dollar.

(Thief 1 slaps Thief 2 on the head)

Thief 1: You fool! The money will get us the food.

(They start cheering. Thief 2 stops cheering. Number 1 stops after him and questions him)

Thief 1: What’s the matter?

Thief 2: I’m just scared y’know?

Thief 1: Of what?

Thief 2: Of… y’know… the diamond.

Thief 1: There is no diamond.

Thief 2: But what about Bobby Kane. They say he was thrown off a 15 story building and when they found him he had no blood in his body. Do ya’ think the Diamond got him?

Thief 1: Bobby Kane died because he was stupid, not because of some diamond.

(The camera zooms out to see a mysterious figure watching the two eagerly.)

Thief 2: But what about te’ blood? They say the diamond drinks blood.

Thief 1 (standing up): Look, for the last time, THERE IS NO STINKING DIAMOND!

(At this moment, The mysterious figure jumps down from below, landing right in front of thief 1. He is revealed to be none other than Diamond James Stanton. He punches Thief 1 with a *POW* knocking him a couple of feet back. He is out cold. The other thief tries to run, but stumbles and is about to fall. Stanton gets out his diamond-grapple)

D.J.S: DIAMOND-GRAPPLE OF JUSTICE!

(He throws the grapple, hooking around the thief’s leg, stopping him from falling, but leaving him hanging upside down. Stanton walks over.)

Thief 2: Don’t kill me… please don’t kill me.

D.J.S: I won’t kill you, but I want you to tell all of your friends that this is Diamond country.

Thief 2: You patrolling the whole country?

D.J.S: Well no… just New York.

Thief 2: So do I tell them that it’s Diamond country …or Diamond state?

D.J.S: No… it’s Diamond country. I don’t have time to argue zoning regulations with you. Up, up and away!

(Stanton uses both his thumbs and pointer fingers to make a diamond symbol)

D.J.S: DIAMOND POWER!

(Stanton rises to the air on a giant diamond and flies away. Fade Out)

AD BREAK

(Fade In)

Scene: One of the many banks in New York. An old security guard is on night duty, standing at the front door with his lantern and night stick. Slowly a black van pulls out in front of the bank. The side door opens and 5 thugs wearing ski masks and carrying machine guns jump out. The security guard approaches them.

Security Guard: Hey you hooligans, get out of ‘ere. Don’t make me use me night stick.

T.1: Holy cow! A night stick! I thought we had this planned.

T.2: I thought we did too. I wasn’t expecting a night stick though. Aren’t those things illegal. Jesus Christ!

S.G: That’s right punks; you chose the wrong day to rob a bank.

(At this time another figure walks up and shoots the guard. The camera zooms out to show the figure, draped entirely in black leather and wearing black glasses, holding a pistol.)

Leader: Their nightsticks are no match for our guns! Quick now, the dynamite.

(Thug 3 puts dynamite up against the glass door. We then cut to inside the building. The owner of the bank is closing up the bank while an 83 year old woman is packing her purse up, getting ready to leave.)

Owner: Night Dolores

Dolores: Goodnight Bill.

Owner: Wait, that smells like… DYNAMITE! HOLY SHHHHHH

(Dynamite explodes spraying glass everywhere. This triggers an alarm. The thugs walk in rhythmically, the leader is the last one in. The police surround the building.in a matter of moments. The thugs have no option but to use the two civilians as hostages. A police car pulls up and out hops Doran Murphy. Lieutenant Jay walks up to Doran and give him the lo’ down.)

Jay: Hostage situation. They’ve got an 83 year old spinster and the owner of the bank inside.

D.M: Damn kids, always getting in on the situation. Why can’t they leave it up to the police? Don’t worry. My twelve years of Police school taught me how to deal with a situation like this. Jay, get your men and have them build a giant wooden horse. We do it all night if we have to. We must stop these thugs.

(The camera cuts to on the bank’s roof. James Stanton, in diamond form is landing on the roof. When he realizes the door to down stairs is locked, he punches a hole through the ground and jumps through it. We cut back to the thugs)

T.4: Didja hear that?

Leader: It was nothing. Keep your focus on that old lady. Give her an inch and you’ll be down on your hands and knees quicker than Liberace after a concert.

(Slowly Stanton walks up behind Thug 5 and twists his neck, killing him right there. He walks up to Thug 3, about to kill him as well, when he notices him and squeals. Quickly Stanton knocks him out cold.)

Leader: Open fire! I think he has a nightstick.

(The other 3 Thugs fire their machine guns until all their ammo runs out. The bullets don’t even put a scratch in Stanton’s armor. He does the diamond symbol again.)

D.J.S: DIAMONDS ARE FOREVER!

(As quick as lightning Stanton punches Thug 2 with a *wow*. He takes the gun off Thug 2 and clubs Thug 4 with it. Stanton then picks up Thug one and throws him to the outside, leaving only the leader. The leader quickly picks up Dolores and puts the pistol to her head. He turns around to see D.J.S)

Leader: One more step and she gets it…

(But Stanton isn’t there. He sneaks up behind the Leader and Judo chops the gun, breaking it in half)

D.J.S: JUDO CHOP OF JUSTICE!

Leader: Nyah, nyah, NYAH!

(The Leader launches at Stanton, punching him and breaking his own hand. Stanton just picks him up one handedly.)

D.J.S: Bank hours are over.

(D.J.S then throws the Leader out with Thug 1. Doran Murphy runs in to see the vigilante, but it’s too late. The camera cuts out to see D.J.S fly away from the crime scene. FADE OUT.)

AND NOW FOR DIAMOND JAMES STANTON'S DIAMOND TIPS.

(A group of kids are hanging around a ball field waiting to play some baseball, but the field is already taken by a bunch of old folks.)

Kid: Awwwww, we can't play ball.

D.J.S: OH NO?

Kid: Wow, it's Diamond James Stanton!

(Stanton lands on screen)

D.J.S: If old people are hogging your baseball field, or driving slow on the free way, take away their social security. With out it, they'll wither and die.

(Stanton holds up a piece of cardboard with the words "Social Security" written upon it. He tears it in half. The camera then focuses on the old people. They all melt into a puddle of mud, cursing Stanton's name as they melt)

Kids: YAY!

(Stanton does the diamond symbol)

D.J.S: DIAMOND POWER!

(Freeze frame. ROLL CREDITS. END SHOW.)

[Cheap Heat]

Diamond James Stanton

Episode 2: Angry And German Don’t Mix.

Scene: “27 years ago”. What appears to be a temple. Stained glass windows of Hitler. Swastikas all over the place. Obviously some Neo-Nazi cult. 8 men, draped in brown robes are praying in front of a golden statue portraying Hitler. A priest slowly walks out to the front of the temple, carrying a bundle. The worshippers stop praying and listen to what the priest is about to say. The Priest holds out the bundle up high, it’s a baby.

High Priest: He is born…

Monks: Hail Xavier! Hail Xavier! Hail Xavier!

(The scene fades out. “Present day” A fire is burning and a shadowy figure is above watching it burn. The camera then cuts to the sight of the shadowy figure, showing the fire is burning in the shape of a swastika. The camera zooms out, to reveal the figure to be James Stanton. The camera zooms up to his face as we hear what he has to say.)

D.J.S: Communists… I should have known. Well… this time it’s personal.

(Diamond Sign)

D.J.S: DIAMOND POWER!

(Stanton rises up on his giant diamond of flight. He rises above the flames.)

D.J.S: DIAMOND RAIN OF JUSTICE!

(Stanton smashes his diamond causing it to break into tiny little diamond droplets, putting out the fire. As he lands, the poor from the street run out and pick up the diamonds. Now rich they start cheering Stanton.)

D.J.S: Who said diamonds couldn’t buy you happiness?

(Fade Out. Cue opening credits)

D.J.S: Whoever said being a superhero wasn’t easy was obviously smoking something potent. Nothing can pierce my diamond skin of justice. As long as I protect New York, the citizens have nothing to worry about… unless of course they are attacked by Germans. But really, how many Germans are there left in the world? Unless one escapes from the zoo, the citizens of New York have nothing to fear.

(AD BREAK)

Scene: Early morning at JFK airport. A plane touches down. The tail of the plane has a swastika painted on it. The camera cuts out to the terminal, where a sole man, whose face cannot be seen walks through, carrying a big black bag. He spots the only other man there, his limo driver, holding up a sign which says “Xavier Von Erck”.

Limo: Hail Xavier!

AG: Hail Xavier indeed.

Limo: Is this your first time to JFK?

AG: Ah yes, JFK airport, named after John F Kennedy, am I right? It is quite ironic don’t you think?

Limo: I don’t get you sir.

AG: Well, after JFK was shot, his body was being transported by plane, in a high security flight. However, much to their dismay, JFK’s brain went missing. No-one knows what happened to it. Well, no-one except me…

(Xavier opens up his black bag and up jumps his cat, Colby Jones.)

AG: And Colby here.

(As Xavier walks out of the terminal, the camera takes a look into AG’s bag. In it is a brain. End Scene.)

Scene: It’s now night time. A man, dressed up as the Kaiser is running through an ally way, occasionally looking behind him, seeing if anyone is on his tail. He turns the corner, only to run into a wall. Or what he thought was a wall. It’s James Stanton’s diamond chest. When the Kaiser opens his eyes he sees nothing but the face of Stanton, scaring the hell out of him. He jumps up quickly.

Kaiser: Not today Stanton.

(The spike in the top of his helmet opens, revealing it to actually be a grappling hook. It fires upwards, hooking on to the roof of a tall building.)

Kaiser: Auf Wiedersehen

(The Kaiser is pulled all the way to the top. He climbs over the ledge of the building on to safe ground. He leans over the ledge, yelling down to the Diamond Avenger.)

Kaiser: Nothing bad ever happens to Kaiser Wilhelm!

(However, Wilhelm is yelling at nothing, as Stanton lands his diamond right behind Kaiser. Kaiser turns around only to get *ziff*ed out by a diamond haymaker. When he comes to he is tied upside down. Stanton begins the interrogation.)

D.J.S: Who sent you here Wilhelm. And don’t say Austria, that may have saved your arse in World War 1, but it isn’t going to work now.

Kaiser: Uhh… Hungaria?

D.J.S: Don’t toy with me Kaiser. I want answers now.

Kaiser: I can’t, you don’t know what he’ll do to me…

D.J.S: And you don’t think I’ll kill you if you don’t talk.

Kaiser: Death? You think I’m scared of death? HA! When you are touched by him, you do not fear death. Death is nothing but a sweet release. It’s like a pixie stick, sweetness in its most pure form. No, when you are touched by him, you don’t fear death, you crave it. You’ll do anything to never be touched by him again. I won’t go back there. I won’t face it. MONOCLE LASER!

(A laser beam fires out of the Kaiser’s monocle, cutting him free from the ropes. He runs to the ledge, he turns around to bid farewell)

Kaiser: I just hope he can touch you and your children the same way he touched me and my children.

(And with that the Kaiser jumps of the ledge, falling to his death)

D.J.S: Who is this “him” and why is he touching people in strange places?

(Diamond Symbol)

D.J.S: DIAMOND POWER!

(Stanton flies off as the camera fades out.)

(AD BREAK)

Scene: Commissioner John Caruso is standing out the front of court, being filmed by a news crew. He is being interviewed about something.

News Man: So what do you think of this recent influx of crimes solved by a mysterious vigilante?

J.C: I think it’s a sad day in this state in which people feel they need to get superpowers. Nine out of ten people die trying to become superheroes and the other 1 out of 10 think they can take the law into their own hands? We live in a society of rules and it’s up to us, the police of this city, to enforce them, not Johnny Heat-vision or Mary Fists-of-steel.

News Man: But don’t you think that the vigilante movement will have a positive role to play in cleaning up our fair city.

J.C: Did you not listen to me? I just said I opposed vigilantism. I’m not going to flip flop over the decision, I’m not John Kerry.

(A police car pulls up)

J.C: Now if you’ll excuse me, there is my ride.

(Commissioner Caruso makes his way to the police car, despite reporters yelling out more questions for him to answer, all of them about vigilantes. He gets in, only to reveal that in the back with him is Doran Murphy, Policeman extraordinaire.)

D.M: I have some strange news to report. We found a body in the ally ways last night.

J.C: So?

D.M: It was the body of Kaiser Wilhelm.

J.C: Good, so we’ve solved the case of the missing Wilhelm. That’s one less crime we have to solve.

D.M: Actually, it gets more complicated than that. Kaiser Wilhelm has been dead for well over 60 years, yet forensics show that he only died last night.

J.C: Dear god…

D.M: Kaiser Wilhelm may just be the most dangerous man on the planet. His powers of coming back to life could only prohibit us from a crime free city. I suggest we put his body under close supervision. As soon as the body moves, we shoot it, rinse, lather and repeat.

J.C: Will my one man war on crime ever end? Let it be done then Doran, Wilhelm is one man we cannot have on our streets.

(End Scene)

Scene: What seems to be an underground lair. A man is sitting in a big chair, stroking a cat, who appears to be Colby Jones. Once again we cannot see the face. A man walks up to him, carrying a bunch of papers. He looks like Martin Van Buren.

M.V.B: Sir… uh… Wilhelm is a…

A.G: Stop stalling and tell me!

M.V.B: He’s… a… dead, sir.

A.G: WHAT!

M.V.B Well, um, a vigilante stopped him. He goes by the name of Diamond James Stanton.

A.G: Stanton! I will get you. Mark my words. I will not leave this city until your body has been brought to me! Stalin, it’s all up to you.

(A man walks in, looking like Stalin, the ground shakes as he walk.)

J.S: Don’t vorry comrade, he will be destroyed.

(Fade Out)

Scene: An anchor lady is reporting on an up-coming election for mayor of New York. It is being shown on t.v.

Anchor lady: And swinging in popularity, Colin Van Osch is climbing up the polls. Will he beat our current Mayor, Cash Melville for the position of mayor. We’ll have to find out on Sunday.

(The camera zooms out of the t.v only for it to be revealed we are actually in Commissioner Caruso’s office. He angrily reaches to his remote control and turns off the t.v)

J.C: God damn people! I can tell you the one man I won’t be voting for and it’s that damn Colin Van Osch! He’ll make it his personal quest to remove me from top spot and I can’t have that happen. New York shall be ruled under my thumb, not his.

(AD BREAK)

Scene: A man draped in a red blanket, with the communist sign on it is jumping from roof top to roof top, trying to escape his chaser. The chaser is James Stanton, catching up ever so quickly. Stanton spear tackles the man and bear hugs him.

D.J.S: I’ve got you now Red Blanket. You will pay for your crimes against humanity.

R.B: HA! You think I’m the one you’ve got to catch, you silly capitalist. I am merely a pawn in this game of chess. Now fear my blanket power!

(Red Blanket escapes Stanton’s Bear Hug and takes a few steps backwards. From underneath his blanket he pulls out a curtain made entirely out of iron. He drapes himself in it and starts to glow)

R.B: When the Red Blanket combines with the Iron Curtain of misery, he becomes…

(A big explosion of light comes from the red blanket. After the light dies down, the red blanket is no longer there. In it’s place is an 8 foot tall man, covered in a red, iron curtain.)

R.C: RED CURTAIN!!!!

(Red Curtain charges at Stanton, hitting him with a *bam!* and sending Stanton back a couple of feet. Stanton slaps his face a couple of times and then kicks the Red Curtain with a *wham!*, who goes flying to the next building)

D.J.S: KICK OF JUSTICE!

(Stanton follows the Red Curtain. He then continues to beat him up with a bunch of *Zing!*s and *Zow!*s.)

D.J.S: Red Curtain? More like Red Hurtin’. HAHA at me!

(The sound of clapping is then heard, Stalin, covered in a robe, walks into view point)

J.S: Clap, clap, clap, young Stanton.

(Stanton drops the body and turns around, to see Stalin. He points his finger at Stalin.)

D.J.S: You. You are the guy touching people aren’t you?

J.S: Close but no cigar. I am Joseph Stalin. Supreme ruler of the communists, and soon to be supreme ruler of New York.

D.J.S: Over my dead body.

J.S: That’s precisely the plan!

(Stalin throws off his robe, to reveal he is holding a golden hammer and a golden sickle. He hits Stanton with it. Stanton lets him hit him, expecting the hammer to break, however it hurts Stanton a lot. Stanton bends over in pain, holding on to his stomach.)

J.S: The great communist empire was not built by letting diamond freaks beat us.

(Stalin raises his sickle above Stanton’s head. As he goes down for the slice, a bullet hits the sickle, making it face the wrong way. Stanton gets hit, but not with the sharp side, so his head stays intact. The bullet, we soon find out, has come from Doran Murphy. He walks on screen, gun in hand, approaching Stalin.)

D.M: You’re under arrest.

J.S: Not this time, cops.

(Stalin throws down a small ball, which explodes into smoke. When the smoke disappears, Stalin has left, leaving only Doran and James. James gets up, only to have Doran’s gun put up against the side of his head.)

D.M: Explain yourself.

D.J.S: I used to be an average guy, like you, but when a freak accident changed me forever and I lost my best friend in the accident, I knew I had to make sure no-one ever experienced the loss I felt. I have turned my powers to eradicating crime of all forms.

D.M: Hmmm, you remind me of a young policeman 12 years ago, entering the police force to make a difference. Sure, he may not have followed it by the book, but most great cops never do. Stanton, I’ll probably lose my job for this, but I will help you.

(Doran puts out his other hand, to shake. Stanton shakes Doran’s hand.)

D.S.J: Whatever happened to that young cop?

D.M: He just recently made a new friend, friend.

(AD BREAK)

Scene: It’s the next day and Colin Van Osch is holding a speech to get votes. It’s in Central park. Colin is standing on a stage, with his banner “Do as I say, not as I do”. There’s a large gathering, showing their support for Colin

Colin: At the moment we are experiencing the worst crime troubles in 27 years, and do you know whose fault it is? It’s Commissioner Caruso and his merry band of slacker’s fault. If I beat the lazy Mr Melville to become mayor of this fine city, I WILL organize an investigation into the police force and if I do find out if Commissioner Caruso isn’t do the best damn job he can, he will be fired. Because near enough IS NOT good enough. Tomorrow, when you go to vote, think about what kind of city you want. If you want a city where thugs and bandits are allowed to run free, vote Melville. If you want a city where pedophiles are around your kids, vote Melville. And if you want a city where you don’t feel safe walking down the street, vote Melville. But if you want to live in a great city, with sublime health care and mediocre education standards, vote Colin Van Osch.

(The crowd cheers massively for the candidate. Fade out)

Scene: Outside a jewelry store. The place is empty. A man slowly walks up to the store. When he walks into the light we see he is Stalin. He gets to the door and pulls out his hammer and sickle. He smashes the door into tiny pieces with his hammer. An alarm goes off. Stalin takes a deep breath and then breathes out hard, creating a massive wind and short circuiting the alarm. He walks in and starts taking the jewels. What Stalin doesn’t realize though is he is being watched by none other than James Stanton.

D.J.S: Halt villain!

J.S: You again? You will not be leaving alive this time.

(Stalin charges at Stanton with his hammer. Stanton just dodges being hit and hits Stalin with a *biff*. This sends Stalin flying out of the store. Stanton follows him, picks him up and throws him into the air Stanton hits him with a “KICK OF JUSTICE” sending Stalin back up in the air. He let’s Stalin land, thinking he had beaten him. However Stalin jumps back up, bleeding furiously.)

J.S: That’s it little man! You are about to feel a world of pain!

D.J.S: I don’t think so Stalin, this gas I have invented should secure my victory.

(Stanton throws to the floor a vial which explodes into gas upon impact. The gas covers Stalin and when the gas clears we can see that nothing has changed)

J.S: Ha, ha puny capitalist. Capitalism has never beaten communism before.

(Stanton smashes his hammer into Stanton, only to have the hammer dissolve on impact.)

J.S: My… my… my hammer. What happened to you?

D.J.S: Looks like my anti-communism gas worked. Prepare to die Stalin.

J.S: I still have one more trick up my sleeve… and it’s… over there!

(Stanton looks to where Stalin is pointing. Having seen nothing, he looks back around only to discover that Stalin is running away. Stanton gives chase as the scene fades out)

(AD BREAK)

Scene: In a continuation from the last scene, Stalin runs out of the road onto the main streets of New York, with Stanton right behind him. Stalin jumps on to one of the cars, Stanton jumps on to a car a little behind Stalin’s. They both jump from car to car, Stalin trying to escape, Stanton trying to catch. Stalin jumps on to a car, which quickly turns a left, losing Stanton, who is stuck following the main streets. Stalin starts chuckling to himself when the car stops. Out walks Doran Murphy.

D.M You are under arrest!

(He handcuffs Stalin as Stanton jumps down from above.)

D.J.S: Excellent work chief. We caught the bad guy.

(The two jump up and high-five)

D.J.S & D.M: YES!

(Stanton helps Doran put Stalin in the back of his car. He then does the diamond symbol and yells “DIAMOND POWER”. As Stanton flies off on his diamond, Doran salutes him. Fade out)

Scene: T.V is on again showing a late night news report.

Anchor: And Colin Van Osch has won by a landslide to become the new Mayor of New York. However in other news, Commissioner John Caruso and Doran Murphy are being praised on their recent capture of ex-leader of the Soviet Union, Joseph Stalin.

(The t.v is turned off. The camera zooms out to show it was Commissioner Caruso who turned it off. In his office is Doran Murphy, as well.)

J.C: Perhaps this Diamond Avenger can help us after all. Would I be able to contact him?

D.M: No-one knows who this vigilante is Commissioner, but he did give me this present so that whenever we need him, he’ll know.

(The camera then changes to on top of the police station. A giant light is flashing the diamond symbol into the clouds, as James Stanton watches in awe. The camera then zooms out, to reveal that this is being watched on a giant t.v in Xavier's lair. Xavier forms a fist and slams it down on his arm rest, scaring the hell out of Colby.)

A.G: I'll get you next time Stanton! NEXT TIME!

(Fade Out)

AND NOW FOR DIAMOND JAMES STANTON’S DIAMOND TIPS.

Scene: Stanton is in a kitchen.

D.J.S: Hello, are you kids sick of needing to refill your ice box with ice everyday, just to keep your food cold? Well have I got the solution for you. Over here we have a sack. Now if we just do this…

(Stanton runs the sack under the tap.)

D.J.S: Now, the water has to be at least cool. When the sack is nice and cold, we can put various objects, like cheese, cake or cheesecake inside. This should give us a couple of days, so ice box re-stacking doesn’t have to be top priority.

(Diamond Symbol)

D.J.S: DIAMOND POWER

(Freeze frame. End Credits. End Show)

[A.Logan]

This is the most genius idea I've seen in such a long time. I cried laughing at one point.

[Cheap Heat]

Diamond James Stanton

Episode 3: Of Sidekicks and things. Sidekicks? They’re those small, funny looking guys who kick you in the side, cheating bastards.

Scene: Big American Disco Party! Minus the Disco and the Party and it really doesn’t have anything American about it. But it’s still big. People have come to celebrate Colin Van Osch’s victory. Large “Osch” chants are being yelled by the crowd. The curtains shake a little and out walks Steve the security guard, causing people to cheer and boo. Make up your mind.

Steve: And now, the eighth wonder of the world, COLIN… VAN… OSCH!

(Crowd erupts massively to CVO walking out on stage. He walks up to the funny podium thing and waits for the crowd to die down. Once they die down CVO begins to talk.)

CVO: We… did… it.

(Crowd erupts again. Once they die down, Colin continues.)

CVO: We showed those Lame-ocrats and Smellpublicans who is boss. We showed them that the people are tired of their oppression and it was time for change. And change will happen, because I will make it happen! I am the most popular mayor New York City has ever had…

(At this moment a sniper rifle shoots a bullet right into Colin’s shoulder, with lots of blood and gore, far too much for prime time but not enough for after 10. An emergency crew, which just happened to be standing by, help get Colin out of the building, while the crowd rushes mindlessly in a frenzy. Steve spots a man up at the lighting area, who has a gun. He dashes up there, but it’s too late. The mystery man is long gone. Fade out)

Scene: News report. Reporting about Colin’s attempted assassination.

Anchor: Urgent news right here folks. Our beloved mayor, shown here donating $20 to the children’s hospital has been shot! We now cross live to Helen who is at the hospital.

(The tv is turned off. Camera zooms out; it’s Commissioner Caruso’s office. In the room is also Lieutenant Jay.)

J.C: Why couldn’t they have aimed at his head? Would have solved me a lot of problems.

Jay: But who would want to kill the Mayor?

J.C: I don’t know Jay, I just don’t know. Let’s put Doran on the case.

(Fade Out)

Scene: Diamond James Stanton is stapling posters on every telegraph pole he walks by. The camera then zooms to one of the posters. On it is a picture of DJS doing the Uncle Sam pose, underneath it is written “Diamond James Stanton wants YOU! To be his sidekick”

(Fade Out. Opening credits.)

DJS: I used to think being a super hero would be super easy. How super wrong I was. After having a super battle with my first real super villain I realized how super difficult it was. After having super thinking sessions and drawing super mind-maps, I have come to the super conclusion that to help me win my super one man war on crime, I will need a super sidekick. The question is can I find one that’s super enough though?

AD BREAK

Scene: Stanton is sitting at a desk in the front of his house. There is a small line of people. 4 to be exact. Robin (Tim Drake), A man in a tutu, a woman in tight, revealing leather and a chef. Stanton is reading Robin’s resume while Robin looks on eagerly. Stanton picks up his diamond stamp of justice and stamps it hard against the paper. “Wiener”. Robin walks off crying. The tutu guy walks up for his chance at being a side kick.

Tu-tu: I am here to audition for the part of Ezekial.

DJS: What?

Tu-tu: Isn’t this the audition line for “Amish: The true MUSICAL story”

DJS: No, this is a line for people who want to be my sidekick.

Tu-tu: Hmmm… ok… I… am… the… DANCING AVENGER! With my swan dance of justice, I shall fight crime wherever it goes.

DJS: Get lost.

Tu-tu: Ok.

(The tu-tu guy prances off as the sexy woman behind him walks up to DJS.)

DJS: Name and powers.

Kyla: Kyla Kyleson. My powers include super strength, super hearing and heat vision.

DJS: Wow… and what are these things here.

(Stanton points to her breasts)

Kyla: Err… breasts.

DJS: If I took on a guy with breasts as my sidekick I’d be the laughing stock of the superhero world.

Kyla: I’m not a guy, I’m a woman.

DJS: A WOMAN! AS MY SIDEKICK! PREPOSTEROUS! The only superpowers women should have is the power to cook dinner. NEXT!

(Kyla walks off furiously. The chef takes his turn.)

DJS: Name and powers.

C.M: I am COOKIE MAN. After a freak cooking accident, my cookie mix mixed with my chemical compound, giving me the ability to change into cookie dough. With my chocolate chips of justice, I shall fight crime.

DJS: Ugh… unfortunately you are the best candidate I’ve interviewed and since nobody else is applying for the job, you shall be my new sidekick

(Stanton gives out his hand to seal the deal, but before the Cookie Man can shake it, a whip cracks down, smashing Cookie Man’s hand, leaving him crying on the floor. The camera focuses on who the mystery whipper was. It’s just a young boy, about 16 years of age. He is dressed already in his superhero attire. He walks up to DJS to apply for the position)

DJS: Wow… name and powers.

Kid: Um, I don’t have a name, but I have mastered Judo, Akio, Karate and Kick-Boxing. I am a computer genius and I know 12 different languages, including sign.

DJS: Yes but what SUPER powers do you have?

Kid: With all that, do I need powers?

DJS: Yes, no sidekick of mine is going to be powerless.

Kid: Fine… I am… a… MUTANT! With the mutant power of… SEXINESS!

DJS: Is that a power?

Kid: Oh yes, allow me to demonstrate. Hit it music man!

(“Touch myself” starts playing and the kid starts dancing rhythmically and for lack of a better word, sexically. Lots of touching and hip-thrusts. The kid stops, leaving Stanton wide-eyed)

DJS: Wow… I’ve never felt this way about a man before. You’re on the team.

(The kid shakes Stanton’s hand as the camera slowly zooms out and a narrator takes over.)

Narrator: And though neither one of them knew it, at that very moment the two started a friendship that would battle countless evil and save New York countless times. With Diamond James Stanton and the kid, who would later be known as “The Sexecutioner” and then “The Artist Formally Known As The Sexecutioner” and then finally back to “The Sexecutioner”.

AD BREAK

Scene: On a New York City street an alarm is going off. The camera follows the sound of the alarm to “General Origim’s Weapons Of Mass Destruction Store”. Out runs Harry S. Truman, carrying a nuclear bomb above his head. Quickly Stanton and The Sexecutioner fly into action. Stanton is flying in on his diamond, While Sexecutioner is using his whip to swing to places. Suddenly Sexecutioner stops. He is looking through a window.

$: Hey, Stanton, stop chasing the 33rd president for the moment and take a look at this.

(Stanton flies over and we can see what Sexecutioner is looking at, it’s a dog being tested on in a laboratory.)

DJS: I can not allow this to happen! DIAMOND POWER!

(Stanton smashes the glass window and knocks out the scientist; he then uses his super strength to release the dog from his cage. The dog runs away.)

DJS: When I can see a little dog run free, it reminds me why I became a super hero in the first place.

(At this moment a police car pulls up and out walks Doran Murphy.)

D.M: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!

DJS: How about starting with a simple “Hello. How are you doing?”

D.M: Hello. How are you doing?

DJS: Howdy. I’m doing fine. How about you?

D.M: Same old same old. WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?!

DJS: Rescuing that poor dog from certain doom.

D.M: YOU IDIOT, YOU JUST LET HARRY S. TRUMAN ESCAPE WITH THE MOST POWERFUL NUCLEAR WEAPON EVER CREATED! COUNTLESS LIVES ARE IN DANGER!

Voice: Oh Yeah!?!

(Truman is thrown into Doran from off screen. Doran quickly hand-cuffs Truman. The camera turns around to see who through him. It’s Spider-man and he’s twirling the nuclear weapon like it’s a basketball.)

$: Wow, Spider-man!

L.B: No, I’m Spyd3r-/\/\a/\/, the original super hero that Marvel knocked off. Mild mannered Luke Beach, photographer extraordinaire by day, friendly neighbourhood Spyd3r-/\/\a/\/ by night. But guess what! Marvel bloody copyrighted the name Spider-man so I, the original Spider-man, had to change my bloody name!

$: Wow. Hey Spiderrrrrr, I mean Spyd3r-/\/\a/\/, how would you like to join our team.

L.B: Really? Your team? The Magnificent 4 wouldn’t let me into their group, so I’ll have to accept.

DJS: Sexecutioner, I’ll let it slide this time, but next time you offer some yahoo a position in our team ask me first or forge a letter saying I gave you permission to let them into our group.

$: Ok.

D.M: I’m going to take Truman in, are you guys doing anything.

DJS: Yes, we shall fight crime.

(Diamond Symbol)

DJS: DIAMOND POWER

(Doran drives off with Truman in his back seat and the Nuclear weapon tied to his roof. Stanton flies off while Sexecutioner and Spyd3r-/\/\a/\/ swing off.)

AD BREAK

Scene: Xavier’s underground lair. Xavier is there patting his cat, Colby Jones, while Martin Van Buren rushes in urgently.

MVB: Sir, uh, Sir.

(Xavier spins his seat around, however his face is covered by his coat.)

AG: What is it?

MVB: Ummm, Thomas Jefferson has escaped.

(Xavier slams down his metal fist into his arm rest.)

AG: What! He’s escaped! If he tells everybody about our plans we’re doomed! Buren, put John Wilkes Booth on the video phone.

(Martin presses a couple of buttons and the giant tv behind Xavier turns on. John Wilkes Booth can be seen on tv. Xavier spins his chair around again.)

AG: Booth, I have another job for you, and you better not fail like you did with Mayor Van Osch. I want you to eliminate this man.

(Xavier shows John a picture of Thomas Jefferson)

JWB: With pleasure Mr. Von Erck.

(Martin Van Buren turns off the tv as Xavier begins to laugh manically. Fade out)

Scene: Stanton’s kitchen. Stanton [not in diamond form], Luke Beach [spyd3r-/\/\a/\/’s alter ego] and The Sexecutioner are cooking spaghetti. All of a sudden a bright illuminating light comes on. Stanton pulls back the curtains and we can see it’s the Diamond light.

$: Holy Guacamole Stanton. It’s the Diamond Signal.

DJS: I know. But if we leave, the spaghetti will burn. What to do?

L.B: Why don’t we just turn it off while we fight crime?

DJS: Yes, but then we won’t have a nice hot bowl of spaghetti to eat when we get home from fighting crime. I know. I’ll go alone. You too make the best darn spaghetti ever.

$ & L.B: YES SIR!

(Diamond Symbol)

DJS: DIAMOND POWER!

(Stanton transforms into his diamond form and flies out, leaving a giant hole in the roof. Fade out.)

Scene: It’s the roof on top of the police station. This is where the diamond light is. Stanton lands on the roof and searches for who lit it.

DJS: Doran? Commissioner Caruso?

(Stanton spots a shadowy figure. The shadowy figure moves towards the light, revealing himself to be Thomas Jefferson.)

TJ: Are you the one they call Diamond James Stanton?

DJS: Yes I am. Were you the one who turned on the Diamond Signal?

TJ: Yes, it was indeed I. I need your help Stanton. In return I may be able to help you.

DJS: What is it that you need?

TJ: There is a…

(Jefferson notices John Wilkes Booth aiming his sniper rifle.)

TJ: GET DOWN!

DJS: What?

(Jefferson ducks down while Stanton shakes his head, looking confused. A bullet is fired, but bounces of Stanton’s head.)

TJ: It’s John Wilkes Booth. He’s trying to kill me, just like he tried to kill Mayor Van Osch.

DJS: I better get you back to my place you will be safer there.

(Diamond symbol)

DJS: DIAMOND POWER!

(Stanton picks up TJ and flies him off. As Stanton passes Booth, Booth throws a tracking device on him, and laughs manically. Fade Out.)

AD BREAK

Scene: Stanton’s living room. Luke and Sexecutioner are serving spaghetti on the dinner table. Stanton drops in from above putting another hole in the roof.

DJS: I hope you’re serving dinner for 4?

(The duo look confused until Stanton reveals he brought along Thomas Jefferson. The camera then cuts to 5 minutes latter when they are all at the dinner table, eating spaghetti and Jefferson is telling the end of an amusing anecdote.)

TJ: And then I said to Benjamin Franklin, those aren’t buoys.

(The whole table erupts with laughter.)

L.B: That’s a good one Tim. You should copyright before some comic book company does it before you and then charges you money every time you use it, even though it’s rightfully yours.

(Beach breaks his fork)

$: I think what Luke is trying to say is that it was an amusing tale.

(Suddenly a bullet is shot, hitting the saucepan handle, making it spin around the saucepan in quite a cartoonish fashion.)

$: Get down Mr. Jefferson!

(Jefferson ducks down under the table while the other 3 get to work. The three run outside to see John Wilkes Booth, taking another shot, this time at Sexecutioner. Stanton dives in front of Sexecutioner, knowing that his diamond armor will protect him. The bullet bounces off his chest of diamond. Spyd3r-/\/\a/\/ fires out his web, pulling Booth’s gun out of his hand and into his own. Sexecutioner then knocks out John with a missile drop kick. A police car pulls up and out hops Doran Murphy.)

DM: You’ve done it. You’ve found Mayor Van Osch’s would be murderer.

L.B: Don’t thank us, thank Thomas Jefferson.

(Thomas crawls out from underneath the table. He walks out to the front lawn. Doran salutes him.)

DM: Thank you Mr. Jefferson.

(He finishes saluting Jefferson.)

DM: I’m going to take this punk in, what are you guys going to do.

TJ: Fight crime.

(Jefferson makes the letter “J” out of his hands and yells)

TJ: JEFFERSON POWER!

(Out of nowhere an American flag rises up from underneath Jefferson. Jefferson sits on it, as if it were a flying carpet.)

TJ: Follow me! I’ll take you to the real villain!

(The rest of Stanton’s group follows Jefferson as Doran drives out. Fade Out.)

Scene: The group is flying to the statue of liberty.

TJ: Xavier Von Erck is the reincarnation of Hitler and he is trying to take of the world, starting with New York.

$: THE BASTARD!

TJ: His secret lair is underneath the statue of liberty. I hope you can all swim.

(They all dive into the water as the scene fades out)

AD BREAK

Scene: Xavier’s giant bath. Xavier, whose face still cannot be seen because of the shadows, is playing with his rubber ducky. All of a sudden bubbles come up and out pops the Diamond gang, except Sexecutioner. Not questioning the whereabouts of the young sidekick, they prepare for battle.

AG: Jefferson, I see you have returned, and you brought me some toys.

TJ: No dice Erck. We are here to liberate the people.

AG: Fine! We shall fight.

(Xavier jumps out his bath and on to dry land, the rest follow. They proceed to battle, with Xavier thumping them sorely.)

AG: THE ANGRY GERMAN CANNOT BE BEATEN

(Xavier knocks away Jefferson and Spyd3r-/\/\a/\/, picking up Stanton by the throat.)

AG: Finally, the harassment stops.

(As Xavier is about to do the deathblow, he drops Stanton, and starts covering his ears. He drops to the floor in pain. Suddenly Sexecutioner jumps on screen.)

DJS: Wh… what happened?

$: I went to the main security computer and changed the security to the PeeJ word edit. He’ll be like this for hours.

DJS: Excellent work sidekick. When we get back, I will be contacting… ARRGH!

(Stanton drops to the floor in pain. The three other heroes try to pick him up, but he’s too heavy.)

LB: It’s no use, he’s too heavy. He will die…

P: Rot if Ri can relp rit.

(Suddenly a dog, the dog that was rescued by Stanton jumps on screen and picks him up with his teeth.)

$: It looks like those science experiments gave the dog superpowers. I shall name him Puck.

(Everyone escapes, leaving Xavier to reel in pain. Fade out)

AND NOW FOR DIAMOND JAMES STANTON’S DIAMOND TIPS!

Scene: Stanton is sitting in front of a camp fire.

DJS: Are you sick in tired of being burnt to death. Is your face horribly scarred like young Crispy over here?

(Stanton pulls over Crispy and then throws her back.)

DJS: Well here’s a little tip I discovered to stop it happening. It’s called not touching the fire. You see, fire can only hurt you if you touch it or if you are really close too it. By not touching it, you are preventing burns and death. And there is no cure for death.

(Diamond Symbol)

DJS: DIAMOND POWER

(Freeze frame, End Credits, End Show.)