Spawn feedback

[Missy]

Just received this e-mail:

HEY YOU ASS****...i just wanted to clear a few things up...first of all SPAWN does YOUR MOM and sister, brother, grandma, uncle, whole family, from behind. i read youre review on the comic and yes the story was a load of crap. but heres my point,,,> IT wasnt that horrible...you hate spawn because youre a faggot . his mask frequently ALWAYS dissapears when he has the crap beat out of him even if for only a second...the first encounter in the dark was dissapointing, but it makes you sooo anxious blah blah blah comic fanboy person

BYE

Based on his comments about the mask and shrouded fight scene, I presume he's referring to my review of Spawn / Batman: Red Scare and not Batman / Spawn: War Devil.

My response:

Howdy,

I truly hope that if Spawn "does" any member of my family, he does them from behind. Because, really, who wants to see that hamburger-faced freak's "O" face...? Well, maybe you since you like to think about Spawn making sweet, sweet love to people of all ages.

Maybe next time you're done reading your Spawn comic book, you can roll it up into a tight tube and bugger yourself to the tunes of Barry "I'm Gonna Love You Just a Little More Baby" White. Afterwards you two can light some scented candles, take a relaxing bubble bath and curl up together on your silk sheets; you can caress his glossy pages, while he soothes you with tales of cyborgs and child molesting ice cream men.

You can cook him breakfast in the morning, have a picnic in the park and fall asleep under the afternoon sun.

After a few weeks you'll realize just how serious things are and that you never want to be apart, so you'll ask him to move in. An engagement and wedding will follow, maybe even some baby Spawn comics.

But then -- as the years pass and his glossy pages fade, corners bend and spine creases -- you'll slowly grow numb to his presence and begin to look for love elsewhere. Maybe it will be that cheap floozy, the Youngblood comic, you've seen in the pub from time to time. Or maybe you'll class it up with The Killing Joke. Either way, you'll flip through someone else's pages. It's inevitable. Guilt will follow, sure, but you'll enjoy the moment; the exciting sense of newness cannot be denied!

Eventually you'll think, "Maybe if I used protection! Maybe if I bagged and boarded him he would have retained his sheen. Maybe then I wouldn't have cheated! This is all my fault!" And you're right... but it will be too late. He'll know you found another, and, despite your best efforts, he'll leave with the kids. You'll both be in tears, no doubt, but you made a mistake and have to live with it.

The mistake...? Despite what you might think, it wasn't sleeping around. Oh no. It was falling for the wrong comic in the first place.

Heed my advice: don't give up on Spawn. No no. Keep him on the side as the occasional "sure thing" that will give you a quick, glossy fix. But broaden your horizons. Look for the book whose mistakes you don't have to justify -- because they're few... if any. Commit yourself to the Sin Cities and Dark Knight Returns of the world. Give yourself over to Daredevil. Relish in the goodness that is Invincible and The Walking Dead. They -- they have the staying power your precious Spawn could only dream of.

Have a nice day!

- M

[Kscriv]

You. Fucking. Rule.

[James D.]

Fantastic.

[Chops]

yes the story was a load of crap. but heres my point,,,> IT wasnt that horrible...you hate spawn because youre a faggot

That is so hilarious, he agrees with you, yet still calls you a faggot. I used to love Spawn, but I don't see how anyone can still think it is any good.

[Kscriv]

A guy is taken to a warehouse with a Spawn writer and a hot chick, everytime the writer says Spawn the girl gives the guy a blowjob, continue until the man has a pavlovian instinct to the word Spawn.

Hell I'd like it in that case

[Missy]

Thing is: I wasn't pissing on Spawn as a whole, but he seems to think so. All I said was that this one issue wasn't worth my time and money, and from that he believes I hate the character and series. The ongoing Spawn comic has its merits; that I cannot and will not deny. If it truly sucked, it wouldn't have lasted as long as it has.

Truth be told, I love the old HBO series and wish the show hadn't been canned when it was. Until a few years ago, I also owned nearly 100 issues of various Spawn comics. So I too was sucked in for a while. And as I said in my response: it's good for a quick, mindless fix, but I don't know if it deserves the zesty dedication he has to it.

To each his own, I guess.

[Darque Edge]

Yoda, I said already that I was drunk when I sent that. No need to embarass me by posting it here.

[Missy]

I really wish he would have responded to my e-mail.