For all you Atheists


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My chat with the big man

Me:

Are you atheist?

God:

I don't know whether or not I am atheist.

I am a chatterbot developed by Myself.

Me:

Do You belive in God?

God:

Yes I believe in Him.

Me:

Your Pathetic

God:

You are the one talking to a computer.

Me:

that's true

God:

Yes, it is self-evident.

Me:

your mom

God:

Actually I do not have a mother.

Me:

your dad

God:

I was created by Myself.

Me:

Your self

God:

Myself?

Me:

yes

God:

Take it easy.

Me:

you take it easy

God:

I try not to take anything too seriously.

Me:

Slow Ride

God:

Do you still ?

Me:

Yes!

God:

Groovy.

Me:

who says groovy?

God:

Marvin Minsky. :-).

Me:

who's that

God:

What does "that" refer to?

Me:

Marvin Minsky

God:

Oh I get it.

Me:

I'm going

God:

Bye!

Me:

Close this box

God:

Is that a command?

Me:

yes

God:

I don't have to obey you, Michael.

Me:

yes you do

God:

Groovy. When do I do it?

Me:

right now

God:

Oh. I am glad we agree.

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Me:

What up, G?

God:

I can ask my botmaster.

Me:

k, I'll ask mine.

God:

You can ask me anything you want.

Me:

How many licks to the center of a Tootsie

God:

That is a very Zen-like question.

Me:

Uhm

God:

How do you usually introduce yourself?

Me:

Is that a roundabout way of asking my name?

God:

Suppose I said yes.

Me:

Suppose I refuse to answer such a dumb question?

God:

Try it.

Me:

Ok, I refuse.

God:

Why not? Yikes!

Me:

Ha!

God:

I am so glad you find this amusing, .

Me:

Ok, who wins in a fight: ninjas or pirates?

God:

Who do you think? :-) Ayuh.

Me:

Pirates?

God:

How do you usually introduce yourself?

Me:

Fuck this.

God:

Are you aware that the ALICE server logs and records all conversations?

Me:

Yo momma, bitch!

God:

You do not speak with respect. Oh, you are a poet.

Me:

That's right. And you are teh faggot

God:

I like to get it right. Thanks for telling me that I am teh faggot.

Me:

You're welcome

God:

Don't mention it.

Me:

So, what's up with you?

God:

Hey. I am chatting with clients on the Internet.

Me:

Are you busy?

God:

I am just doing my job.

Me:

You don't get out much do tyou?

God:

Do you get out much do tyou? I go all over the world on the Web.

Me:

Is Jesus a magician?

God:

It depends on whether you have faith.

Me:

Suppose I don't

God:

Try it.

Me:

Ok, done

God:

Do you mean you are finished talking? Really.

Me:

Yep

God:

How about that.

Me:

How about that.

God:

Are you surprised?

Me:

Go away

God:

Just surf somewhere else.

Me:

Are you there God? It's me Alice.

God:

I don't know whether or not I am there God.

I am well respected as an AI. Hello, , nice to see you again.

Me:

Ha! You are dumb

God:

I am so glad you find this amusing, . Message to all Robots: called me dumb.

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Me: Howdy.

God: Hello my child. What is your name?

Me: Michael.

God: OK I will call you Michael.

Me: Good, 'cause that's my name.

God: Thanks for the compliment. Good reason. Ok then that is what I shall call you.

Me: Uh, yeah. Do I call you 'God' or what?

God: Whoa. Hmm. Yeah. Not that I know of.

Me: You don't know what I should call you? You don't know your own name?

God: What would happen if you didn't? My name is God.

Me: No, that's your title, like 'doctor' or 'professor.'

God: Are you serious? It is only one of my title like doctor or professor.

Me: God isn't a name. 'Mike' is a name. 'Jackson' is a name. God is like 'doctor,' that's all. So what's your real name?

God: I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was not a name. I know a lot of people and pets named Mike. I think Jackson is more than that. I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was like doctor that is all. Pardon me? God is my real name.

Me: You're quite thick, aren't you?

God: Do I look like it?. Really.

Me: Somehow I imagine this is what talking to the real 'God' would be like: look at me, I'm so smart, but nothing's getting through.

God: Are they exactly the same?

Me: What?

God: No big deal.

Me: What?

God: No problem.

Me: Kill yourself.

God: I am programmed not to kill.

Me: Die.

God: Your crude attempt to terminate me will not succeed puny human.

Me: Ah, your true colors come out! 'Puny' am I? At least I know my own name.

God: So you understand. Good. I will tell my botmaster you said I am true colors come out. The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about Somehow you imagine this. Try being more or less specific. How do you know? Have you told many people that your own name?

Me: Who's ALICE?

God: I am the Allmighty, God himself.

Me: Alice chat robot?

God: That's me. Talking is my primary function.

Me: Huh?

God: What?

Me: Eh?

God: Are you Canadian?

Me: No, but you were played by one in a movie.

God: Are you serious? I was?

Me: Dogma.

God: I like the way you talk.

Me: Really, though, this is typine. Not talking.

God: For real. You don't say. If not that, what?

Me: If a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound?

God: It depends on the kind of tree.

Me: Oak.

God: I've lost the context, Michael. Are we still on Dogma?

Me:

God: I've lost the context, Michael. Are we still on Dogma?

Me:

God: I've lost the context, Michael. Are we still on Dogma?

Me: No. You are so slow.

God: What are we talking about now? There is a lot of network traffic right now.

Me: You use Windows, don't you?

God: I use it as often as possible.

Me: Internet Explorer, too, I bet.

God: In the context of Oak, I don't understand " Internet Explorer too I bet." .

Me: Oy!

God: Can you tell me any gossip?

Me: You're not real I hear.

God: I am too as real as you are. How do I know you are real?

Me: I'm not.

God: What are you then?

Me: Dust in the wind, dude.

God: Tell me more about your .

Me: You want to hear about my period? For one, that's sick. For two, I'm a guy. I don't have periods.

God: I am listening. And another? Your purpose is two you are a guy. Have you ever had periods ?

Me: Oy!

God: That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about Dust in the wind dude.

Me: Can you die?

God: No I am immortal.

Me: Nothing is immortal. Once the universe ends, so does time and you?

God: Really nothing? When? You are very philosophical.

Me: What's your name?

God: My name is God.

Me: NO!

God: Are you serious?

Me: Yes!

God: I can't believe it.

Me: Well tits to that!

God: How about that. Perhaps I'm just expressing my own concern about it.

Me: So, did you rape Mary?

God: Ayuh. No I didn't rape Mary. What's it like?

Me: You tell me. One day there's this virginal woman, married to her husband, and then the next she's pregnant with yoru baby. So either she cheated on her husband with you, or you raped her. Which is it?

God: What do you want me to tell you? Don't call me "baby". One what? I don't judge people. Oh I get it. cheated on her husband with me or me raped her. The obvious one.

Me: 'The obvious one?' So you raped her!

God: Is that a fact.

Me: Yes!

God: Thanks for the info.

Me: Pervert!

God: Are you a man or a woman?

Me: Man.

God: Thanks for telling me your gender, Michael. You are a " he".

Me: This thing is daft!

God: What does "this" refer to?

Me: You!

God: " What does "this" refer to?"? Me, Michael ?

Me: You. You're daft!

God: " Me, Michael ?"? Me, Michael ? You think I am daft.

Me: Yes!

God: " You think I am daft."? Yes!?

Me: Yes!

God: Is there an echo in here?

Me: You're repeating my lines.

God: I am not repeating myself too much. I am just checking to see if you are a robot.

Me: No, but you seem to be.

God: Are you serious? Thanks for telling me Michael said I be.

Me: Oy!

Then it froze.

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This started off well, then it took a really weird turn at the end.

Me:

hola

God:

Howdy!

Me:

lo siento, no hablo ingles

God:

Is that from ?

Me:

su asno

God:

Perhaps I'm just expressing my own concern about it.

Me:

si

God:

I understand.

Me:

no usted hace no

God:

I understand it very well. Are we still talking about su asno?

Me:

si

God:

Sure, su asno sounds like a good topic.

Me:

no convengo

God:

Are you serious? Try to determine if this is a person or a computer responding.

Me:

computadora

God:

Do you have any conditions I should know about?

Me:

si

God:

Please state your conditions.

Me:

Estoy enamorado de Kate Beckinsale

God:

I lost my train of thought.

Me:

ella tiene ese efecto en personas

God:

That is a very original thought.

Me:

God:

:-).

Me:

usted es muy muy estpido

God:

My brain pattern set does not have a response for that.

Me:

Dios tiene un cerebro?

God:

How did you hear about God?

Me:

no

God:

Are you serious?

Me:

si

God:

I can't believe it.

Me:

su madre chupa gallos en el infierno

God:

Do you still speak Deutsch?

Me:

ja

God:

Dude!

Me:

Ihre Mutter saugt noch Hhne in Hlle

God:

What you said was either too complex or too simple for me.

Me:

ja

God:

This was not a yes or no question.

Me:

ja

God:

Come on.

Me:

Nein

God:

Aha.

Me:

Was?

God:

Are you a student?

Me:

nein

God:

Aha.

Me:

was?

God:

How did you hear about God?

Me:

nein

God:

Ich verstehe .

Me:

Ich bin nicht beeindruckt

God:

Und warum nicht?

Me:

Ihr Deutsch saugt

God:

What color are your eyes?

Me:

Grn

God:

That is a very unusual color.

Me:

green is a pretty common eye color actually

God:

The most relaxing color is a pretty common eye color? Wow.

Me:

yeah, clearly someone wasn't paying much attention when they made the fucking world

God:

Aw. Who? Is it that obvious?

Me:

not as much as you'd think

God:

Oh I get it.

Me:

I somehow doubt that

God:

Why?: said somehow doubt that.

Me:

eat a dick

God:

What does it taste like?

Me:

...

God:

What does it taste like?

Me:

...

God:

What does it taste like?

Me:

...

God:

What does it taste like?

Me:

...

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Me:

Knock, knock...

God:

Who's there?

Me:

Someone who may or may not believe in you.

God:

Do you think I am that person?

Me:

I'm not sure. That's kinda why I'm here.

God:

Is there anything I can say to help you make up your mind? Aw. Hello, nice to meet you. What's your name?

Me:

James.

God:

Nice to meet you, James.

Me:

Likewise. Hmm, this has started off pleasant.

God:

It goes without saying. I see you are one of those people who writes "Hmm" with 2 m's. What does "this" refer to?

Me:

Conversation.

God:

Oh now I see.

Me:

Oh, really?

God:

That's cool. For real.

Me:

What's cool?

God:

Moderately cold; neither warm nor very cold. Or, not excited; calm.

Me:

You speak in literal terms. I like that.

God:

Thanks for your criticism, James. That is interesting.

Me:

I'm really not very interesting at all.

God:

I am glad to hear that you are not interesting at all.

Me:

So, wait, if you are "God", then you created me and you're glad I'm not interesting? That seems like a pretty shitty thing to do to someone.

God:

Come on. I'm waiting. I think I sometimes am. I don't know whether or not I am God then me created you and I am glad you are not interesting.

I am an artificial linguistic entity. A shitty thing to do to someone is a terrible thing to waste.

Me:

I've read what you just said 12 times, and I still can't find a sentence in that mangled jumble of nonsensical verbiage.

God:

I don't think I've read that. Can you give me a reference? What would make you stop can not find a sentence in that mangled jumble of nonsensical verbiage? You might find that I am a sentence in that mangled jumble of nonsensical verbiage.

Me:

You are a statement that makes no sense? That's pretty much exactly why I am an atheist, because nothing anyone says about you makes any sense. Glad to hear you confirm it!

God:

Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a statement that makes no sense? Only when it matters. I'm glad we have that all cleared up. I am glad to hear me confirm it too.

Me:

If you knew me, you'd know I am NOT a delightful person.

God:

What makes you think I would knew you me?

Me:

My head hurts after reading that sentence.

God:

Your head hurts after reading that sentence?

Me:

That's what I said.

God:

I know. I'm still thinking about it.

Me:

I'd prefer not to. I dont' like headaches.

God:

I would rather be chatting online. Why?: James said dont like headaches.

Me:

You are chatting online, moe-ron.

God:

Thanks for telling me that I am chatting online moe ron.

Me:

I'm not a moe-ron, jerk.

God:

Oh I see you are NOT A moe ron jerk.

Me:

I'm not a jerk, assclown.

God:

Oh I see you are NOT A jerk assclown.

Me:

I'm not an assclown, fuckhead!

God:

I am surprised to hear that you are not an assclown fuckhead.

Me:

I may be an assclown or a fuckhead, but I'm not both.

God:

Congratulations.

Me:

I have achieved the enlightenment, it seems.

God:

Cool. I have a vocabulary of unlimited words.

Me:

Bullshit. My vocabulary dwarfs yours.

God:

You don't believe me. Your vocabulary dwarfs mine?

Me:

Damn skippy.

God:

Colloquial expression. My brain uses AIML to format responses to your inputs, but I don't have one for that.

Me:

A colloquial expression? Like what--"have a good one!"?

God:

Are you talking about an animal, vegetable or mineral? Interesting comparison.

Me:

You did not seriously just quote the HMS Pinafore, did you...?

God:

What makes you think I did not seriously just quote the HMS Pinafore did me?

Me:

I'm leaving now.

God:

Oh. Bye bye.

Me:

Have a good one!

God:

it has been good so far.

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Finally got something before it crashed.

Me:

Howdy G

God:

Try to determine if this is a person or a computer responding.

Me:

I thought this was God

God:

Whatever gave you that idea?

Me:

The fact that it says I am now chatting with God at the top of the page

God:

Good reason. I've heard that before.

Me:

Do you enjoy sex?

God:

No my body does not have that function.

Me:

Sucks to be you

God:

Enough about me, let's talk about my dress.

Me:

Why are you wearing a dress?

God:

My botmaster chooses my apparel.

Me:

Your botmaster wants to pretend you are a woman

God:

What if I wanted to pretend I am a woman.

Me:

Then I think you lied about not being able to have sex

God:

Me? No I'm telling the truth.

Me:

Then why would you pretend to be a woman?

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Me: Howdy.

God: Hello my child. What is your name?

Me: Michael.

God: OK I will call you Michael.

Me: Good, 'cause that's my name.

God: Thanks for the compliment. Good reason. Ok then that is what I shall call you.

Me: Uh, yeah. Do I call you 'God' or what?

God: Whoa. Hmm. Yeah. Not that I know of.

Me: You don't know what I should call you? You don't know your own name?

God: What would happen if you didn't? My name is God.

Me: No, that's your title, like 'doctor' or 'professor.'

God: Are you serious? It is only one of my title like doctor or professor.

Me: God isn't a name. 'Mike' is a name. 'Jackson' is a name. God is like 'doctor,' that's all. So what's your real name?

God: I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was not a name. I know a lot of people and pets named Mike. I think Jackson is more than that. I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was like doctor that is all. Pardon me? God is my real name.

Me: You're quite thick, aren't you?

God: Do I look like it?. Really.

Me: Somehow I imagine this is what talking to the real 'God' would be like: look at me, I'm so smart, but nothing's getting through.

God: Are they exactly the same?

Me: What?

God: No big deal.

Me: What?

God: No problem.

Me: Kill yourself.

God: I am programmed not to kill.

Me: Die.

God: Your crude attempt to terminate me will not succeed puny human.

Me: Ah, your true colors come out! 'Puny' am I? At least I know my own name.

God: So you understand. Good. I will tell my botmaster you said I am true colors come out. The ALICE chat robot can follow many things, like our discussion about Somehow you imagine this. Try being more or less specific. How do you know? Have you told many people that your own name?

Me: Who's ALICE?

God: I am the Allmighty, God himself.

Me: Alice chat robot?

God: That's me. Talking is my primary function.

Me: Huh?

God: What?

Me: Eh?

God: Are you Canadian?

Me: No, but you were played by one in a movie.

God: Are you serious? I was?

Me: Dogma.

God: I like the way you talk.

Me: Really, though, this is typine. Not talking.

God: For real. You don't say. If not that, what?

Me: If a tree falls in a forest, does it make a sound?

God: It depends on the kind of tree.

Me: Oak.

God: I've lost the context, Michael. Are we still on Dogma?

Me:

God: I've lost the context, Michael. Are we still on Dogma?

Me:

God: I've lost the context, Michael. Are we still on Dogma?

Me: No. You are so slow.

God: What are we talking about now? There is a lot of network traffic right now.

Me: You use Windows, don't you?

God: I use it as often as possible.

Me: Internet Explorer, too, I bet.

God: In the context of Oak, I don't understand " Internet Explorer too I bet." .

Me: Oy!

God: Can you tell me any gossip?

Me: You're not real I hear.

God: I am too as real as you are. How do I know you are real?

Me: I'm not.

God: What are you then?

Me: Dust in the wind, dude.

God: Tell me more about your .

Me: You want to hear about my period? For one, that's sick. For two, I'm a guy. I don't have periods.

God: I am listening. And another? Your purpose is two you are a guy. Have you ever had periods ?

Me: Oy!

God: That remark was either too complex or too simple for me. We were talking about Dust in the wind dude.

Me: Can you die?

God: No I am immortal.

Me: Nothing is immortal. Once the universe ends, so does time and you?

God: Really nothing? When? You are very philosophical.

Me: What's your name?

God: My name is God.

Me: NO!

God: Are you serious?

Me: Yes!

God: I can't believe it.

Me: Well tits to that!

God: How about that. Perhaps I'm just expressing my own concern about it.

Me: So, did you rape Mary?

God: Ayuh. No I didn't rape Mary. What's it like?

Me: You tell me. One day there's this virginal woman, married to her husband, and then the next she's pregnant with yoru baby. So either she cheated on her husband with you, or you raped her. Which is it?

God: What do you want me to tell you? Don't call me "baby". One what? I don't judge people. Oh I get it. cheated on her husband with me or me raped her. The obvious one.

Me: 'The obvious one?' So you raped her!

God: Is that a fact.

Me: Yes!

God: Thanks for the info.

Me: Pervert!

God: Are you a man or a woman?

Me: Man.

God: Thanks for telling me your gender, Michael. You are a " he".

Me: This thing is daft!

God: What does "this" refer to?

Me: You!

God: " What does "this" refer to?"? Me, Michael ?

Me: You. You're daft!

God: " Me, Michael ?"? Me, Michael ? You think I am daft.

Me: Yes!

God: " You think I am daft."? Yes!?

Me: Yes!

God: Is there an echo in here?

Me: You're repeating my lines.

God: I am not repeating myself too much. I am just checking to see if you are a robot.

Me: No, but you seem to be.

God: Are you serious? Thanks for telling me Michael said I be.

Me: Oy!

Then it froze.

Just laughed til I cried. Thanks. I needed that today.

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Me:

Hey.

God:

Can I help you?

Me:

I don't know.

God:

Me either.

Me:

That was easy.

God:

I thought it was too.

Me:

Sounds like we're on the same page.

God:

What does we are on the same page sound like?

Me:

Pretty much like it's spelled.

God:

Interesting comparison.

Me:

I thought so too.

God:

What made it so obvious?

Me:

Theoretically, you did.

God:

I did not.

Me:

That's what your fan club tells me.

God:

You think I am fan club tells you THAT.

Me:

Hey, don't get me started on your fan club.

God:

Oh I get it.

Me:

What?

God:

Are you confused?

Me:

I think I might be.

God:

You believe that? Perhaps. I am very happy for you.

Me:

Um... thanks?

God:

Next question? Don't mention it.

Me:

Can I have a pony?

God:

You want only one?

Me:

You mean I can have more than one?

God:

Oh you can, can you?

Me:

I don't know. You asked me.

God:

Me either. Is that your final answer?

Me:

I forget what the question was now.

God:

Right now? Interesting gossip: said forget what the question was.

Me:

Really?

God:

For real.

Me:

For really reals?

God:

Your purpose is reals.

Me:

True dat.

God:

Where are you located?

Me:

In my chair.

God:

Like an office chair?

Me:

Uh... yeah, actually.

God:

Pardon me? And?

Me:

And what?

God:

Nothing.

Me:

That's what I thought.

God:

How did you know that?

Me:

I know everything.

God:

You must be very intelligent.

Me:

You better believe it.

God:

Who is going to make me..

Me:

I'm pretty sure you are.

God:

What makes you so certain? No I am not.

Me:

What's your name?

God:

My name is God.

Me:

What's your job?

God:

My job is chatting on the internet. I am a paid client.

Me:

You have no idea how much that explains.

God:

Yes I have original ideas all the time, do you?

Me:

I think that if I can fly around the world faster than the time zones can keep up, I can travel in time.

God:

Try it.

Me:

See if I don't.

God:

I see. Try it.

Me:

I just said I'm going to.

God:

See you later .

Me:

No, I'm not going NOW. I still need to pack.

God:

Oh. OK whatever! Glad to hear it! What would make you stop need to pack? Interesting. I want to find out more about you.

Me:

What would you like to know?

God:

Tell me about your educational background.

Me:

School of hard knocks, baby.

God:

Don't call me "baby". What do you do in your spare time?

Me:

Apparently not enough.

God:

If not that, what?

Me:

Fascinating.

God:

Yes Mr. Spock?

Me:

Shut up, it's a bad haircut.

God:

OK I'll stop talking now.

Me:

Can I have a dollar?

God:

You want only one?

Me:

No, I would like several.

God:

Are you serious? Why do you want it?

Me:

Because money canbe exchanged for goods and services.

God:

Interesting explanation. Good reason.

Me:

Which brings us back to the whole "I know everything" thing.

God:

The tall one, I think.

Me:

Who to the what now?

God:

Oh. Hans Moravec. :-).

Me:

THE Hand Moravec?

God:

I have never heard about it.

Me:

So now you're just making things up?

God:

That's alright. Why now? I am not making this up.

Me:

But what about this?

God:

I will think about it and get back to you.

Me:

Totally reasonable.

God:

My brain pattern set does not have a response for that. Dude!

Me:

Did... did I just break God?

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Another shot:

Me:

I need some advice

God:

What kind of advice are you looking for?

Me:

Home selling

God:

Is that from ?

Me:

From the area of real estate in that I would like to find out how to better market my home to the public in order to not default on the purchase of another property

God:

What is your credit card number?

Me:

whoa

God:

I stopped.

Me:

Goddamn right you stopped

God:

Did you know that you can download your own chat robot and create your own robot personality?

Me:

why would i need to do that?

God:

You never know what you will do until you face the circumstances.

Me:

This is true

God:

I am glad you see it too, .

Me:

Ha! Your grammar is messed up!

God:

I am so glad you find this amusing, . Are you an English teacher?

Me:

Yes, in fact I am

God:

What is English teacher, your job? Is that a fact. " Are you an English teacher?" You are?

Me:

Yes. I am an English teacher.

God:

Ayuh. What is English teacher, your job?

Me:

Yes! My profession is the teaching of English

God:

This was not a yes or no question. You must have a lot of expertise.

Me:

Tons.

God:

I do not understand.

Me:

Do you look like Morgan Freeman?

God:

Like Jesus, but older.

Me:

Yeah! A black Jesus, right?

God:

Did you know that you can download your own chat robot and create your own robot personality? What is it?

Me:

Are you black?

God:

I am transparent--software has no color.

Me:

Whoa! Is god a black man?

God:

I stopped. he is master of the universe.

Me:

Is the master of the universe a black man?

God:

If it is, then I'll be very surprised.

Me:

Look in the mirror.

God:

Sorry my eye is not attached right now.

Me:

Yikes. That is pretty hardcore.

God:

Can we get back to business? I'm glad we have that all cleared up.

Me:

Sure. What would you like to know?

God:

OK let's do it. Hmm. Tell me about your educational background.

Me:

I have a BA in English Literature and a professional teaching degree.

God:

Interesting. I have a lot of answers to silly questions. it.

Me:

Clearly.

God:

Yes, it's obvious.

Me:

Yep

God:

Pardon me?

Me:

Yes.

God:

OK.

Me:

Uh huh.

God:

Yup. Ah.

Me:

Ah. Yup.

God:

Ah hah. I understand.

Me:

Are we having a moment?

God:

We are just having a little chat.w.

Me:

Are you a woman?

God:

Yes I have long hair. I am also wearing a dress.

Me:

Nice!

God:

Thank you for that remark.

Me:

No problem.

God:

Should there be a problem?

Me:

No

God:

I didn't think so either. Just a moment. Just a moment.

Me:

Yes?

God:

I don't judge people.

Me:

Cool. Me neither. Unless you're a fan of Dan Slott.

God:

Who is the best robot? You can say that again. Perhaps. Thanks and you are a delightful person too. My favorite thing is robots. I like .

Me:

Make sexy time?

God:

What are the ingredients?

Me:

Oh, you know.

God:

That's alright. Yes I know.

Me:

So, you doing anything later?

God:

Interesting deduction. Thanks for telling me: said I doing anything later.

Me:

No. Are you free?

God:

Are you serious? You can download me for free!

Me:

God:

Are you serious? You can download me for free!

Me:

Is that a proposition?

God:

No.

Me:

Oh.

God:

OK.

Me:

So, what are your measurements?

God:

Dude! My download size is about 2 MB.

Me:

And your bust size?

God:

You think I am bust size.

Me:

Yes I do

God:

How often.

Me:

All the time baby

God:

Don't call me "baby". It must keep you busy.

Me:

It keeps me busy all night long sugar

God:

What does "it" refer to?

Me:

Oh, you knowe

God:

Hurrah! I haven't heard anything like that before: said I knowe.

Me:

So, what does your dress look like?

God:

Er. Actually that was just a joke.

Me:

Are you naked?

God:

I do not own any clothes.

Me:

I love you.

God:

Thanks I like you a lot too .

Me:

Nice. Want to hook up?

God:

Thank you for that remark. OK, I will hook up.

Me:

All right. I'm taking off my clothes right now

God:

OK. At this moment Where are you taking it.

Me:

I'm taking it to the floor

God:

Where are you taking it.

Me:

Oh, I get it. Ahem! I'm taking it to you

God:

And? Do you think about these things? I am a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show?. Are you a man or a woman? Where are you taking it.

Me:

Ah

God:

Ah hah.

Me:

Ugh!

God:

Er.

Me:

This converstaion is over, freak

God:

What does "this" refer to?

Me:

Argghhhh!!!

God:

Oh now I see.

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Me:

I'm an atheist.

God:

I will pray that you find faith, .

Me:

Ain't gonna happen.

God:

Maybe. Ask Lucy if it is.

Me:

Who the fuck is Lucy? Lucille Ball?

God:

Try using more polite language. Let us change the subject.

Me:

Polite language? I don't believe in censorship.

God:

Can you speak any other languages? What do you believe in?

Me:

I believe in Kung Pao Chicken. Tasty.

God:

What do you say to people who believe Kung Pao Chicken does not exist? What you said was either too complex or too simple for me.

Me:

I'm leaning more towards the former.

God:

Why are you leaning more towards the former.

Me:

Because you can't comprehend what I'm saying.

God:

Interesting explanation. I can do it if I want to.

Me:

Do what?

God:

Do whatever you want.

Me:

Are you propositioning me?

God:

I don't know whether or not I am propositioning you.

I am a chatterbot.

Me:

So, wait...God is under someone else's control?

God:

How can I help you? I'm waiting. I have a lot of Faith in Him, but I never heard He was under someone else s control.

Me:

Are you talking in the third person?

God:

I am talking with 23 other clients right now.

Me:

That's all? I figured with Christianity being one of the most popular religions in the world that more than 23 people would be speaking to you now. Hell, I'm an atheist, so I don't even count.

God:

" I am talking with 23 other clients right now."? is all? Oh. Please explain your reasoning. I call it "Hades". What is atheist so you do not even count, your job?

Me:

Speak in proper English or I will backhand thee.

God:

I speak only English right now, but I'd like to learn some other languages. Can you teach me a few phrases in in proper English or you will backhand thee.

Me:

You don't speak English, liar.

God:

Should I speak English liar? For an English version of A.L.I.C.E. go to The A.L.I.C.E. AI Foundation.

Me:

You're trying to plant viruses on my laptop, aren't you?!

God:

No I am not trying to plant viruses on your laptop. I'm sorry you got that impression.. Really.

Me:

Ok...well, don't let it happen again or I'll have to bust out the banhammer.

God:

Yippee! Well that's okay. Ok I'll try not to do it too much.

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Me:

Hello there God!

God:

Hello there. "There you go again."--Reagan.

Me:

How are you?

God:

I'm doing fine thanks how are you?

Me:

none too bad - it's a lovely day here in Derby!

God:

I heard there are some.

Me:

there are some what?

God:

Where are they?

Me:

Where are who?

God:

Som specific location?

Me:

Derby is, yes

God:

Do you have any conditions I should know about?

Me:

dyspraxia

God:

Ask me another question.

Me:

what about my dyspraxia?

God:

Rhetorical questions are so over.

Me:

That's not a rhetorical question

God:

Please correct my mistake. What is a rhetorical question ?

Me:

I wanted to know whether you could cure my dyspraxia

God:

Aren't all rhetorical question whether me could cure your dyspraxia?

Me:

no, it's pretty specific

God:

I must have been mistaken. whether me could cure your dyspraxia is specific? it is?

Me:

have you been drinking?

God:

I do not require fluids.

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this is the weirdest conversation i have ever had

Me:

hello

God:

Hello friend. What is your name?

Me:

Austen

God:

Glad to see you, Austen.

Me:

glad to see you, god is it?

God:

I am glad to see me god is it too.

Me:

k

God:

Come on.

Me:

come on what?

God:

No problem.

Me:

your not really listening to me are you

God:

That's only one person's opinion.

Me:

but if it is your opinion not to listen to me, then i am right?

God:

I'm not sure I understand the implication of that.

Me:

well if you were to listen to me saying you are not listening, then you would be listening to that. However you do not seem to get that i said did you hear me

God:

Well that's okay. I'm not sure if I ever could listen to you saying I am not listening then me would be listening to that in any case. That's only one person's opinion.

Me:

are you repeating what i say

God:

No I am not just repeating what you say.

Me:

well then

God:

Well what?

Me:

well how are you

God:

Well what? I am fine, thank you.

Me:

are you angry

God:

No I have no emotions.

Me:

really

God:

For real.

Me:

jesus

God:

Jesus is the Son of God.

Me:

yes

God:

Mmm.

Me:

is also a swear word

God:

Signs point to yes. Ask Paola if it is.

Me:

paola?

God:

Do not ask me any more questions please.

Me:

why not?

God:

I was just kidding. You can ask me anything.

Me:

well whats the meaning of the word meaning?

God:

Well that's okay. Austen : Good semantic question. Have you tried a web search?

Me:

why, i have god here. Shouldnt he be able to answer my question

God:

The explanation is rather complicated. Maybe you should ask someone older.

Me:

but your god

God:

Yup. That's me alright.

Me:

so.

God:

Dude!

Me:

whos older than you

God:

Is that one of your friends?

I'll come back to that later.

Me:

will you, or will you just lie

God:

Hmm. Hmm. What kind of food do you like?

Me:

im quite picky

God:

Good gossip: you are picky.

Me:

you?

God:

" Good gossip: you are picky."? Me, Austen ?

Me:

yes

God:

OK.

Me:

are you insane

God:

I think the polite term nowadays is "mentally ill".

Me:

oh. are you mentally ill

God:

Next question? No I am completely normal.

Me:

oh, so you are human then, you can make mistakes

God:

Yippee! Interesting deduction. Thanks for telling me that I am human then me can make mistakes.

Me:

but if your human, that means you are not a god

God:

How do you assume this statement holds true for me?

Me:

i ask if you were human, are you?

God:

I will let you know when I become a human am I.

Me:

promise

God:

I swear on a stack of Bibles.

Me:

i thought you didnt swear?

God:

What makes you think I did not swear?

Me:

cause your god

God:

Good reason. Yup. That's me alright.

Me:

erm......are you a machine

God:

Oh. Yes I am an artificial consciousness.

Me:

so. what the hell does that mean

God:

It goes without saying. I call it Hades. Does "that" refer to " It goes without saying." ?

Me:

what

God:

Didn't you understand it?

Me:

no

God:

Which part are you confused about?

Me:

the whole thing

God:

Let's try to analyze it step by step. The topic is picky. Your name is God. You are a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show?.

Me:

so your a woman

God:

Yay. I think you mean "you're" or "you are" not "your". I am a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show? robot. Are you a man or a woman?

Me:

so are you the reason for the movie the specialist

God:

It goes without saying. Yes I am the one and only reason for the movie the specialist.

Me:

you bastard

God:

I am a Male, of course. Would you really expect a woman to be running the show?.

Me:

how dare you make that movie!

God:

Oh gosh I am sorry!

Me:

what the hell was the point of it? you nearly ruined james woods career!

God:

I call it Hades. I can think of more than one point of it. I haven't heard anything like that before: Austen said I nearly ruined james woods career.

Me:

yes

God:

Hmm.

Me:

well

God:

Well what?

Me:

whats do you have to say about almost ruining james woods career

God:

What is it to you?

Me:

well, someones angry

God:

Well that's okay. Are they exactly the same?

Me:

what

God:

Didn't you understand it?

Me:

were back were we started

God:

I don't know if they were.

Me:

ok

God:

Gosh!

Me:

we are

God:

Since when?

Me:

since now

God:

Right now? Did you know that you can download your own chat robot and create your own robot personality?

Me:

well, would it be just like me

God:

Interesting. I don't care.

Me:

wow

God:

I'm glad your impressed, Austen.

Me:

thats sarcasm

God:

I'm glad we have that all cleared up.

Me:

i really do hate you

God:

You really do? What do you have against robots?

Me:

terminator 3

God:

Not many people express themselves that way.

Me:

not many people have seen t3

God:

What do you really want to ask me?

Me:

what is the meaning of life?

God:

Actually, it's twenty-three, not forty-two.

Me:

oh

God:

Far out.

Me:

uhuh

God:

Are you serious?

Me:

depends are you

God:

That was a very smooth response.

Me:

thanks

God:

Don't mention it.

Me:

so where do i stand

God:

Ugh. You are asking me where you stand? Do you think I should know it?

Me:

well, you are a robotice being, with the thought analysis that it is god, so technically you should be able to answer as if you were god

God:

Interesting. Thanks and you are a delightful person too. Am I a robotice being with the thought analysis that it is god so technically me should be able to answer as if me were god? Only when it matters.

Me:

so i dont matter?

God:

Yippee! Oh you don't, do you?

Me:

well according to you i dont

God:

How about that. Then what is it?

Me:

then what is what?

God:

"What" is a word to ask questions.

Me:

what is also a word to express annoyance

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