Condensed/Uncomfortable Plot Summaries


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Inspired by something from the most recent Ecclectic Podcast episode, I've been fishing around the net for some unique takes of well-known films.

For example:

STAR WARS: Band of terrorists destroy government military facility.

THE PASSION OF THE CHRIST: Mel Gibson fulfills fantasy of showing a Jew beaten to a bloody pulp and killed on-screen.

WATCHMEN: Homosexual destroys New York, blames God.

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A few of my own

Jurassic Park- Special attraction presented for limited engagement.

Independence Day- First Mac virus has global implications.

Red Dwarf- Old man loses way going home.

Lion King- Royal family has public squabble.

Toy Story- Unnatural beings won't leave child alone.

Lost- Long distance flight delayed indefinitely.

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Star Trek: The Motion Picture- Old man steals job back from young man.

Star Trek II- Old man kills older man in real estate squabble.

Star Trek III- Old man enforces copyright.

Star Trek IV- Old man complains that things aren't as good as they used to be.

Star Trek V- Old man finds religion and kills it.

Star Trek VI- Old man escapes assisted living facility.

Star Trek: Generations- Old men team up to stop other old man being happy.

Star Trek: First Contact- Old man kills controlling ex-girlfriend.

Star Trek: Insurrection- Old man kills older man over health care issues.

Star Trek: Nemesis- Old man kills more successful relative.

Star Trek- Franchise abandons age issues.

Viewed this way the whole franchise sounds like an ultra-violent Last of the Summer Wine.

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Buffy Season 1: Girl saves world, wear an awesome dress.

Buffy Season 2: Girl saves world, murders her ex.

Buffy Season 3: Girl saves world, blows up her school.

Buffy Season 4: Girl saves world, audience doesn't seem to care.

Buffy Season 5: Girl saves world by killing herself instead of killing annoying sister.

Buffy Season 6: Boy saves world with the power of yellow crayons.

Buffy Season 7: Girl saves world, unleashing 1000's of superhumans upon the globe, potentially causing mass anarchy.


Angel Season 1: Emo Guy gets hope and decides not be mopey.

Angel Season 2: Emo Guy saves new love interest, finds out old love interest is dead, gets mopey.

Angel Season 3: Emo guy gets thrown in the ocean by son, gets submerged and mopey.

Angel Season 4: Emo guy saves the world by ending world piece, loses his son, and gets mopey.

Angel Season 5: Emo guy stops conspiracy and dooms LA to burn in hell. Doesn't get that mopey over that.

Since I'm on a whedon kick:

Firefly: Space is the wild west, complete with space cops and space cannibals.

Serenity: Space is still the wild west, the government is evil, and world peace should not be tried for.

Dr. Horrible's Sing-A-Long Blog: Joss Whedon REALLY hates likable characters.

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FIGHT CLUB: Schizophrenic auto industry employee blows up banks, shoots self.

YOUNG FRANKENSTEIN: College professor descends into madness, builds creature out of body parts. Creature then fucks Professor's wife.

THE INCREDIBLE HULK: Man with severe self control issues throws several temper tantrums. Kills hundreds.

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South Park: The world is afflicted with a disease that causes the brains of adults to dissolve so the children are the last hope except one is a sociopath.

Spider-Man 3: Peter Parker gets covered in slime and becomes emo. Spider-Man is there too but you barely notice.

Labyrinth: David Bowie's bulge is so impressive, it can bend space and time.

The Wizard of Oz: A girl commits murder, steals a pair of shoes then defies a disfigured woman the right to her inheritance by murdering her also.

Seinfeld: 4 sociopaths ruin the lives of everyone the encounter.

Torchwood: Everyone in Cardiff has lots of sex and occasionally aliens show up and they have sex with them also.

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Star Wars films:

The Phantom Menace: the dreaded Sith return to help settle a financial dispute.

Attack of the Clones: A grown man marries his former babysitter.

Revenge of the Sith: Man murders his pregnant wife.

A New Hope: Boy falls in love with his sister.

The Empire Strikes Back: Boy kisses his sister.

Return of the Jedi: Young man is tickle-tortured by an old man.

I like to apply it to fairy tales and legends as well.

Santa Claus: Old man watches children while they sleep, then breaks into their homes at night to give them "presents."

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