The Worst of the Worst

James D.

The Worst of the Worst  

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Very tough. Although it's entertaining as all hell, the worst one (that I've seen) has to be The Room. I mean, I LOVE it, but that's due to the absolutely hopeless screaming incompetence that permeates every frame of film.

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Of the ones I watched, Battlefield Earth is the only one that I didn't find myself more or less enjoying parts of.

In truth, I've never seen any of them all the way through. However, based on what I've seen and heard about each of them, here and elsewhere, Battlefield Earth is the one I imagine the fewest number of people getting any enjoyment out of, and Will's comment supports my conjecture.

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Let's jump into James' brain:

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010): Stupid and completely goes against what the original NOES was all about, but nowhere near the worst of these movies.

Black Christmas (2006): Boring as hell, and utterly stupid, but again, it's not even in the ballpark for Worst of the Worst.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li: I feel really bad to this day for doing this to Damien. It's atrocious. Chun-Li goes from Chinese girl to Western European white chick. It's way up on the list, certainly, but I think there are worse overall movies on this list. It got extra shit points, though, just for the pain it caused Dubs.

Ballistic: Ecks VS. Sever: This movie is cliched as hell, and it has zero plot, but it's easy to ignore.

The Room: In terms of judging movies in and of themselves, this one could be considered the worst. But since I love it in the same mold as The Rocky Horror Picture Show, I can't vote it as the worst, despite how putrid a film it actually is.

Battlefield Earth: This is truly one of the top contenders. This movie is so bad, it caused an entire motion picture company to go out of business. Nothing in this thing makes any sense whatsoever. It's brutally boring, the aliens' reason for being on Earth in the first place is just stupid, the way the aliens go about their business makes you wonder how they survive in the first place, and the Dutch angles. My GOD, the Dutch angles. And it puts you through all of this for over two hours.

House of the Dead: I remember less about this movie than literally any of the films that we covered. Seriously, when I try to remember what movies we reviewed when talking to people about my podcast, I always forget about this one. It's boring, but it's not the worst. Which is tough for me to say in regards to a Uwe Boll movie.

The Wicker Man (2006): Completely misses the point of the original and the entire movie is a gargantuan plot hole, but since it can be laughed at profusely, I can't really put it in the list of top contenders here.

Showgirls: This movie actually offends me because the main character--who is supposed to be a protagonist--is so unlikeable and deserves absolutely none of the great things that happen to her. It's also the longest of all of the movies we covered, so you're forced to sit there and suffer through over two hours of stuck-up, hypocritical stripper stomping away after every fucking conversation. And then she just walks away after destroying the lives of every fucking person she came in contact with? Fuck. Right. Off.

Kazaam: Another movie where the main character is completely unlikeable and learns nothing. This movie is horrible, but we reviewed a lot worse.

Birdemic: The worst special effects in cinematic history, a verbal 93-minute blowjob on Al Gore, and just generally nothing that makes any sort of sense whatsoever. You would think I'd instantly pick this one. But the utterly goofy moments like the most awkward thumbs-up ever and the laughably bad acting make it to where I can let it slide a bit.

The Nutcracker in 3D: I wish I knew what to make of this, but I just don't. I don't get it. I don't know what it was going for. It's awful, but I can forget I ever watched it and just be content.

Troll 2: Atrocious in every manner, but like Nutcracker, I can forget I watched it for the most part.

Masters of the Universe: Nowhere even remotely close to the worst of these movies. As I said, it's probably one of the "best", which doesn't mean much, obviously, but still...

I have to choose Showgirls.

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Here's my memory of these movies.

A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010): Cooter glove. Dancing on the ceiling.

Black Christmas (2006): Misprouncing Dokken. Yellow.

Street Fighter: The Legend of Chun-Li: Pain.

Ballistic: Ecks VS. Sever: Never wanting to edit another podcast the rest of my life.

The Room: Hai doggie.

Battlefield Earth: Dutch angles.

House of the Dead: Wishing we'd picked Alone in the Dark.

The Wicker Man (2006): BEES.

Showgirls: Holy fuckballs this is long.

Kazaam: The poem.

Birdemic: that sure was a great movie the inconvenient truth

The Nutcracker in 3D: Wishing we'd picked Santa's Slay.

Troll 2: Being strangely attracted to Creedance.

Masters of the Universe: Being the easiest editing job in the history of the show. Movie was pretty much secondary

Bias aside, it's either Battlefield Earth or Showgirls, but I had to relive the pain of Chun Li 3 times; I had to watch it, I had to talk about it, then I had to go through the whole thing again when editing.

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All the movies you guys covered were horrible, but Showgirls sounded like the worst. Even during the episode Mike comments about how much recording the podcast is boring him. It's the one episode I couldn't bring myself to laugh at the pain because it wasn't funny. Really the only LOL moments are references to Nic Cage's career.

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