The Omniverse Draft!


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"God! Who do I have to fuck to get a drink around here?!"

She wasn’t a typical Hollywood beauty, but based on looks and attire alone, Lila had never had trouble getting the attention of a bartender before. That’s before you take into account her celebrity. She was never one who tried to push it, but she found herself seconds away from shouting ‘do you know who I am?’ before her intention was interrupted.

“It’s cuz the place’s a filthy shithole, sugar. Dat’s why!”

Lila looked as a ridiculous-looking douchebag with a glittering purple leisure suit and a huge pompadour on top of his too-small-head-for-that-big-of-a-hairdo. A huge golden necklace with the dollar symbol slapped against his bare chest as he swaggered in, hands in pockets, heels clicking on the scuffed wooden floor.

His patent leather black and white shoes shined only slightly less than his suit and both colors clashed with the gaudy purple.

“Bartender’s on crack. I know. I gave it to ‘im!” the douchebag said, pulling his right hand out of his pocket and pointing at the junkie with a pointer finger and thumb extended like a gun.

“Hey! Basehead! Sugartits needs a drink!”

Lila clenched her jaw but remained silent seeing as the pasty crackhead snapped awake at the douchebag’s orders and began pouring her a draft beer. Better than nothing.

“Playin’ tonight, sugar?” the douchebag asked as the crackhead slid a lukewarm glass of cold beer toward her.

“Yep,” she slurped the foam from the top of the glass and followed it up with a heavy gulp.

“Kind of a shitty joint to knock around in fa you, ain’t it?”

“I’ve played places that make this look like the governor’s ball. ‘Sides, music industry’s not what it used to be. Gotta play a hell of a lot more live shows to make a living these days.”

“’S’too bad then...”

“Why’s that?” Lila asked putting the beer down on the bar.

“Cuz you just got toifed from the bill, sugartits!”

He pulled his left hand from the pocket of his tacky dress pants, but Lila couldn’t see what he held, only the glow of an immense light. It seemed to reach to the back of her brain, pushing through any kind of optic nerve processing in a display of...divinity?

No. Something else.

“Look into da window of da chocolate starfish of reality, sugartits!”

Lila gazed into a portal and saw something so terrifying, her thoughts could not bring her mouth to scream in horror, let alone speak.

“You been replaced!”

A blast of purple light, not unlike the color of the douchebag’s leisure suit, blasted Lila as she made her exit.

It wasn’t exactly ‘exit stage left’; more like ‘exit stage dimensional rift.’

The douchebag, whoever he was, not only bumped her from the bill of her latest concert, he accidentally augmented Lila Cheney’s powers of interstellar teleportation to correspond with the nexus of all realities.

Lila_Cheney_%28Earth-616%29_005.jpg

He was going to regret that.

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The fire was at his back. He knew this because he caused the inferno that scorched the air around him and brought the smell of burnt flesh to his nostrils.

For a moment he was going to walk away...but first he stopped and lit his cigarette in the dancing flames.

He took a first inhalation of nicotine before snapping up the collar of his trenchcoat and heading away. He was thirsty. A pint would taste rather good right now.

Why did you do that?

"Go away, voice in my head," he muttered. "It is time for drink."

Let me guess,

the voice in his head sneered. It needed doing.

"Those now ex-bastards," he replied with gritted teeth, "were abducting nascent mutant children and slaughtering them, utilizing their DNA to create a designer steroid. If removing them from the human race didn't need doing, I don't know what does."

Is this what you're going to do for the rest of your life? Go from one backwater to another snuffing out the lives of those who would prey on mutants for heinous purposes?

"Did I not already tell you, voice, to go away?"

What if I told you,

the voice countered, that there's something else you can do with your life, Pete Wisdom? Something that can affect all mutantkind positively? Something so massive it can shake the foundations not only of this world, but all the worlds that's out there, worlds you may have suspected existed but had no proof?

Something...that needs doing.

Pete Wisdom, formerly of MI-13, stopped dead in his tracks. He turned to watch his handiwork and took another drag off his cigarette.

"Alright," he muttered. "I'm listening."

wisdom2.jpg

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I have a question, and if it's been answered I apologize, but I couldn't quite see it here.

What about characters from companies that were later bought by another? Say, I have a DC character, does that mean Fawcett, Quality, and Charlton are off limits?

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Tough one.

I have a tough time saying having Batman AND Plastic Man or Captain Marvel is ok because they are still both part of the same continuity.

On the other hand, Watchmen characters would be alright seeing as they are completely different continuities.

Example: Hannah has picked Delirium. Even though she inhabits a part of the universe that is usually on its own, Dream and Death and Matthew Cable and others from that book have been shown to be part of regular DC continuity time and time again. So Hannah cannot pick a DC character again. However, she would be welcome to pick say Dashiell Bad Horse from Scalped or Rorshcach from Watchmen.

Let's try to keep those from the same universe (whether they've been folded in or not) out of this.

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Yeah, Marvel didn't go on the same acquisition binge. The only thing I could equate with that is an old Timely or Atlas character that somehow hasn't been retconned into regular Marvel continuity, which is pretty slim pickings; between The Invaders and Agents of Atlas I think they pretty much covered everything.

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Okay, last question, I promise.

There is one slot for non-comics-originated characters. Does that mean comic books specifically? For example, Flash Gordon is a comic strip character. I assume that means my non-original slot is filled and someone like (I dunno) Snoopy is now off limits.

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